Prostitute vs Surrogate
So I was listening to some Marvin Gaye and... Isn't that how so many of these conversations begin?
Well really, I was in the shower, listening to Marvin Gaye getting my clean on and this idea for a post just popped into my head. They say that prostitution is the world's oldest profession but I truly feel a need to contend with that. I think, no I know, healers have had that same timeless demand. The real question is what were those women doing then in this profession we call prostitution? Much like everything we know now, the meaning and significance of sacred arts (especially sex) have been diluted, confused, and/or devolved. I will share with you something I know from my heart. and you are not required to believe it but take this journey with me anyway. Those ancient women were teaching men to love, truly love and they were treated as sacred. It wasn't their goal to have lifelong customers, it was their sacred charge to give them the tools to be able to truly love their mates and to love themselves. Well that sounds like a healer to me. If we look into Taoism we know that sexual energy is used to heal the body. Check out Healing Love by Mantak Chia if this is all foreign to you. Taoism teaches you to circulate chi aka ki (ReiKI hint! hint!) throughout your body to facilitate healing amongst other things. Essentially you are moving love around the body. Oooh wee! We can also look at ancient Indian temples and see people engaging in Sexual acts. Isn't a temple a healing place? I mean what do you go to church for, to shoot the shit? I am pretty sure we go to these places for healing. So if your body is your temple why aren't you finding ways to get the healing energy flowing? And I'm not talking about going to find someone to bump beauties with because that is a whole other post. I am talking about beginning to recognize how you have the power to heal yourself and that it is truly built in, innate. Reiki anyone?
So back to my sacred ladies of the night...and day... or should I say Sexual healers (thanks Marvin)? These women were the masters of their craft but how about now? Well now you have someone called a sex surrogate. Their job is more aligned with what those ancient women did but now they are dealing with modern issues, sexual abuse, Catholic guilt, Mormon guilt, incest, pornography addictions, etc. They help people begin to feel confident with their sexuality, in the nude. They are like a super hands on counselor but the most important part is that they empower their clients to never come back. Our modern day prostitute or sex worker (as some prefer to be called) is more connected to the addictive consumerism that is pervasive in our society. They want you to come back. There are so many reasons for that but the main one is that they make more money if their customers feel weak.
Kiki, why don't you bring this all together? Oh okay. No problem.
As a healer of the non-sexual variety, I thought about how I want to connect with people and what my goals were in this business (before I took a shower today). I realized (with Marvin Gaye's help) I wanted to be able to really work with people so that they would feel so strong and equipped that they would eventually not comeback (but of course we can still be friends). So let's get it on! I am Kiki, your Reiki Surrogate. Thank you, go within.
I'll open my legs to that.
This is for the ladies... and the men who truly are in service to us...
The work I do with energy healing is rooted in pursuing and achieving balance. One the most common imbalances I am finding in my work is the balance of feminine and masculine energy in women and men. Women, whether they recognize or not have been in training to be men, and they can't figure out why they are so unhappy or feel so powerless. In my opinion, there has been an all out assault on feminine energy within women and masculine energy within men through so-called societal standards, media, and religion. Since I have a yoni between my legs and two lovely mounds of nourishment on my chest, I will focus on feminine energy in this post.
As I am growing as a woman, I find myself really having to dig deep to define exactly what it means to be a woman. There are great people such as Lenon Honor, Ayida Honor, and Reverend Goddess Charmaine (google them) whose words and hearts have helped me tremendously in truly understanding what this whole thing is all about but it still comes down to me. In my past relationships, I always noted how every guy I dated seemed to be very aware of my power as a woman, but I wasn't. One guy even said, "Women really don't know how powerful they are." I remember listening to his words and wondering what my power really was. Don't worry, I am on it now!
As women, we can pull anything we want into our existence. We are receivers and our yonis are our portal. In some ways we know that, but our culture has taught us that this is also our downfall, our curse. We are taught that our yonis and our sexual energy are only for sexual intercourse and childbirth. We are taught that the power of our yonis can hurt us by attracting men and sexual partners who are only out to hunt and conquer. We are taught to be victims to our own yonis! We are taught as young girls to cross our legs and keep them closed. We are not taught that we can use the power of our yonis to create the most beautiful life for ourselves (beyond childbirth). Well I say, "Open them legs with wisdom and confidence and bring into your world all that you desire!" *in a southern accent*
We are creators. We can truly create life. I feel only those women who are artists know how deep this really is beyond childbirth. Luckily I am one of them, so I learned what it means to nourish an idea and bring it to life. I know the pleasure and joy of shaping and molding one of my creations. I know the satisfaction of giving it what it needs so that it can be divine gift to all of whom encounter it. Most of all, I know the importance of my role as creator and nurturer of life. It is a full-time job and one of the greatest I can think of. The other great one is being in service to a woman who can do all of that. Now imagine if those two teamed up...Straight fiyah!!!
I am writing this today to inspire all woman who read this to step into their womanhood, for real. Yes, I am stirring the pot, your honey pot to be exact. Let the sweetness flow into your life. Allow yourself to receive. Literally open your legs and receive all of the wonderful experiences you can think of that are aligned with your highest good.
Sometimes showing is better telling...
Love...I'll open my legs to that.
Being appreciated for who I am...I'll open my legs to that.
A vegan chef to prepare me delicious meals...I'll open my legs to that.
Multitudes of men who serve, honor, respect, and protect me...I'll open my legs to that.
A castle on the sand...I'll open my legs to that.
A thriving healing practice...I'll open my legs to that.
A loving environment to live in...I'll open my legs to that.
Delicious vegan butter pecan ice cream...I'll open my legs to that.
so on and so on.
What will you open your legs to?
If your balance is off, then let's schedule a session. Together we will get you on your path to truly enjoying womanhood. If you only knew how committed I am to this... For more info ----> Click here. and I WILL OPEN MY LEGS TO THAT!
Inner Child: Let yours out!
Anyone that knows me now, knows that I love children. Love. Them. But if you knew me in my younger years, you would have thought I was allergic to them. Even as a child, I wouldn't have younger friends. I was too cool for them. I can honestly say, I spent most of my childhood running away from being a child. At nine, if someone said, "Let's play!" I would look at them as if they have committed a great offense to my very nature. Snobbishly, I would reply, "I don't play." Things started to change when all of my friends started to have children. I found that I really related to their children, in fact, more than I did to them. I liked what they had to say. I could see how smart and wise they were about life. They made sense. Now as an adult, I am happy to play. I love having fun and as one of my friends recently observed, I don't need a reason to have fun, I just do it. I love where I am at in my life, but I have to admit it was a journey to get here.
A lot of my sense of wonder and joy can definitely be attributed to Reiki being in my life. When I first became attuned to the energy, I laughed about everything for almost a month. I laughed about things that society says I shouldn't laugh about, but it felt so good, I couldn't stop. Talk about healing and releasing. But even before that, I had glimpses of this kind of joy over the years. Like when I would give full concerts to anyone who would listen or who got trapped in a car with me. One time on a road trip, I sang for almost 2 hours straight, no commercials, full songs, because we didn't have a radio. I sang every song I had memorized down to every adlib, ooh and ahh to my cousins who definitely didn't know what they were in for. I love to sing by the way. When I look back, I realize I have always been a big and admittedly eccentric kid, but it has taken me a long time to embrace that in me. I think I saw it as a weakness. Everyone around me always seemed to be growing up and I was getting younger. I thought there was something wrong with me.
Things changed when I finally took the plunge and decided to teach elementary students. Miss Kiki was born. I started out so serious because I wanted to be "grown up", mature, and a "good" teacher. It didn't work; I was absolutely miserable and the scary part was that my condition was socially accepted as "normal". Since I knew I didn't get into teaching to be miserable, I followed my mother's advice who is a teacher and fellow big kid. She told me to have fun. Then I listened to my heart and my heart told me to love the children. From there I had the greatest time. I would make up songs, do one-woman role play skits, dance, joke, make up games, all in the name of "teaching". We would end each lesson with I love yous and humungous smiles. I wouldn't even consider myself a teacher because I truly played all day and it worked. I knew I did something right when a student demanded for the lesson to start. He was like, "Let's get this party started!" and I was like, "You ain't said nothin' but a word."
Tapping into my youthfulness, inner joy, or Inner Child keeps me creative, excited about life, and happy. It is wild that I spent so many years trying to suppress it in order to fit and survive in a world that says miserable is normal. Well I can't say I was ever that successful, but I did try. I was actually ashamed and embarrassed about the greatness that I am. Now, with Reiki in my life, I couldn't go back if I tried. It helped me heal. It was like, " What you waitin' for? Girl go 'head and do you!" and I was like, "Really? Should I?" and then it was like, " Uh... yeah!" and then I was like, "Alright! Here I go. Watch me crank it. Watch me roll." and then there was a dance. When I work with a client, they often feel relaxed and have a great sense of well being after a session. I on the other hand, feel giddy and then I get excited and then I giggle and do a little dance (I like to dance). The love and excitement I feel about life and myself is why some women have children. They want that feeling . I am writing this today to say that if you want to feel unconditional love, joy, excitement, and creativity then find it within yourself. Let that Inner Child who loves to have fun come out. Do what you love. I used to tell my students that Miss Kiki came to have fun and that they weren't going to get in the way of that. My happiness, the love that I felt, the fun that I had, was never dependent on them and they knew it.
Observe children if you don't understand what I have shared. They don't wait for anyone to have fun. They don't need permission to love. Boredom never lasts long for them because that just means it is time to get creative. They are eager to learn. They take risks. Why would anyone try to grow out of those skills?
Forgiveness: Part 2
Say you were in a relationship and you feel betrayed by your mate because they cheated on you with 11 people and they videotaped all of it on your bed. How do you forgive that? You first use emotional intelligence and allow yourself to grieve the relationship and set up clear boundaries for yourself. Next, after you have properly address your emotions, it is time to forgive. As we know, it is never about them. When you are forgiving you are giving YOURSELF a greater vision of what's possible. I feel forgiveness is hard for people because they are afraid to enjoy or want more because it means they have to grow. Many have a fear of growth or change. I know I did. I felt like I would no longer be in control if I forgave. That somehow they won. That is really the ego making everything a competition, not wanting to give up control, wanting everything to stay the same; it isn't you. Forgiving is a great ego killer.
So how do you forgive your porn-star dreaming mate (more likely ex-mate)? In this case, you would create a vision of a healthy relationship filled with commitment, honesty, and trust and you would give energy to that. You get your imagination in full gear and start envisioning or writing exactly how a healthy relationship looks to you. What can come up for people is realizing that they never felt worthy of that vision. They start to realize exactly how they got in that particular situation in the first place. They start to see all of the ways they have been dishonest with themselves, all 11 ways. That is the hard part, because you realize that you also are forgiving yourself (another ego killer). Often times the person you have criminalized becomes insignificant as you have to take responsibility for yourself and your experiences. Then, eventually, the whole concept of truly having a healthy love-filled relationship with yourself isn't so far-fetched. If you go all the way, you may even feel gratitude for that "horrible" relationship that prompted you to fall in love with yourself and to create greater visions to give to.
That is the real power of forgiveness. You give forward so that you can be greater than what you were. But once you get there, to that beautiful land, do you then "give back" to those who are where you were? My answer is no. You realize that you are always growing and learning. The gift of forgiveness taught you that you can create greater visions, greater moments of understanding, greater personal growth. Your growth isn't something that you put aside so that you can go "back". That doesn't make sense and is counter-productive. Instead you know that every person and experience offers you a chance to grow and expand. You realize the world is your teacher and you are the faithful student ever-learning, ever-growing. There is no peak are plateau to reach. Your brother or sister ain't heavy because you are walking beside him.
If you take on that mind-set, who is benefiting from who? Who is less fortunate than who? If you go in an "impoverished" area and see that people who have less than you materially are happy, joyous, and grateful, shouldn't you be at their feet with pen and notebook in hand learning and reveling in their wealth like Papa Scrooge in his money pool. Then you in turn can share with them how they can use their wealth to create their OWN desired environment. You see it's an exchange. You aren't "giving back" or helping the less fortunate at all, unless you consider yourself "less fortunate" as well and why waste your time with that concept. I have to admit, in the past I have been more of an observer and judge than a student and lover, but ever since I started to truly know my own wealth and worth, I naturally began to know it in others. Forgiveness taught me that. Love taught me that. Forgive so that you may give yourself something greater to be greater.
My uncle took me to the train station one evening and waited with me for the train's arrival. There were a group of women waiting as well that he seemed to be focused on. Suddenly he asked me to come closer. He had a strong look of concern on his face so I obliged. He spoke firmly, "When you get on the train, I don't want you in the same car as them." "Why?" I asked. "Because she is a crack dealer," he answered in a serious voice. I was shocked and even felt a little anxiety. I looked over at the women trying to figure out how he knew. My eyes traveled down to the woman squatting in her super low-rise jeans...CRAAACK!
Hee hee hee! Okay but really I am not talking about that kind of crack and really I am not talking about the kind that Whitney said was "Whack"...but lets use it as an metaphor for experiences we don't need to have. I think it is safe to say that most of us who have seen the effects that Crack cocaine has on people would never touch the stuff. It isn't something you need to negotiate or think over. It truly is common sense, crack is clearly whack. People on crack look horrible and their lives look completely undesirable and inside you say that there is no "high" worth that kind of outcome. So it is pretty easy to say no to crack on the streets but how about the rest of the "crack" in your life?
The "crack" I am talking about are those glaring red flags and blaring warning signals that come up for you that you ignore, those alleys you have already been down, the people you have already tumbled with, or those disasters you have already witnessed. All the signs are there but you put the blinders on because you must know for yourself. It is like a pregnant crackhead inviting you over to her "mansion" for dinner and you never seeing that she is pregnant and a CRACKHEAD! Your friends can see it and try to remind you of the reality of pregnant crackheads but you never figure it out. You have tunnel vision and are refusing to see the full environment; you must have YOUR experience. You walk right into the crack house and ignore the filth and take what she serves you, CRACK. You experience euphoria like never before and are immediately hooked. You smoke searching to feel as good as you did the first time but that never happens. Eventually you reach rock bottom and barely recognize yourself. You reach out for help and you get it. You put the pipe down and then go through the pain of detox. And even though you recover, the smell of crack still stays with you like a lust-filled temptation and it is with your will that you never pick up the pipe again. Don't get me wrong, some of the most wise and amazing people I have met have been formerly crack-addicted and so in some way I see the value of the experience. But is it really necessary to experience crack? Can't you use some wisdom and discernment to just say no?
When I was young my mother who worked in an inner-city school took me to parent teacher night. One of the students parents was addicted to crack. That night my mother had me study her and showed me how crack had affected her body, mind, and spirit. A year or two later, during summer school, the same student came to my mother to seek refuge. I happened to be there that day and I watched her eat a small can of sauerkraut because it was the only thing the drug dealers who raided her home earlier that day left in the cupboards. I learned quickly that it was not a favorable substance. Life shows us many lessons just like the one I had, about a myriad of experiences. Can't we agree that we don't have to experience everything or at least learn from the experience enough not to repeat it?
We often have patterns that we repeat, paths that we walk over and over again, until we learn the lesson. Along this journey, there are situations and people that represent the "crack", the powerful substance that is attempting to pull you back into the loop. I am proposing that instead of dating him, working there, or smoking the "crack", you use discernment and wisdom to just say no. Know that even though it may have been awhile since you last touched the pipe, crack is still crack and it is whack. Everyone's "crack" is different. What is crack for me might be your ambrosia. Know yourself, it is up to you to step back and become the observer to be able to see the crack. In the great words of Johnny Cochran, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." Don't waste your time building a case to judge because all that really means is that you are still smoking that crack. Detect the crack and then step the hell back.
So I ask you, can you detect the "crack" in your life?
Here is a small sample of my crack...
a guy who takes bathroom pictures of himself = crack
institutions and hierarchical systems = straight crack rock
modern hip hop = a big fat bag
certain body odors = garbage rock
a victim mentality = cookie
smokers = base
a particular use of language = roca (espanol)
certain writing styles = hard rock
conditional love = Devil's dandruff
Life is a dream and if you can recognize the signs and symbols put forth for you, you will be well on your way to a crack-free existence.
I write about love a lot. I can talk endlessly about love, and being that this is the season of romantic love, I thought I might share a bit about the type of man I love, my kind of Boo-peice. This is for all of you who think women only like a certain kind of man or for those who think that there is no such thing as a "good" man. I am fixin' to create one right now. Don't believe me, just read.
I love a playful man, a man who knows how to have fun in any situation. There is nothing worse than seeing a grown man be serious about everything. Yuck. I find it incredibly repulsive actually. See the man I love has a set of gold teeth on hand just in case we need to make a quick fake music video. He has jokes about preachers, spiritual folks, career folks, and anyone who is a little too serious. He gets me a thong that he knows I will never wear just to dance around in it and make me laugh. He sings me silly songs when I am in the bathroom for "support" and "inspiration". He laughs while waiting in long lines. He will dance slow to fast songs, fast to slow songs, and grind to country music (ow!). I love an imaginative man. I give him a word and he gives me a fantasy. He is friends with the orange dragon that flies me around at night as well. He sees that the sky is red and that the moon smiles. He is always creating something, never without ideas, and full of magical solutions. He wakes up ready to bring something new into the world and goes to bed knowing he has accomplished it. The gorgeous world he lives in, started in his mind. I love a gentle man. His strength isn't in "fronting" or acting like he is "hard", it is in walking tall in his gentleness. His nature makes people trust him and want to be around him and because of this, he is protected. Because of this, he can protect others. Oh and his massages are painless and transcendent. I love an intelligent man. He knows if he starts quoting other people, I will not be impressed (unless it is the late, great Johnny Cochran). He knows that if he is afraid of something and doesn't address it, I will remind him of emotional intelligence. He knows that when it comes to complaining and being the victim, ain't nobody got time for that. He knows that it feels great to take responsibility for his life. He knows I love a man courageous enough to be who he truly is, no matter how "crazy" that may look. I love a courageous man. He dives into the mystery. He reads something like this and doesn't flinch. He rises to the challenge to follow his destiny. He doesn't need the armor that a large ego provides. He lets his heart lead him. He serenades me with a mediocre voice in a crowded room but his courage and focus makes it sound angelic.
I love a man who loves himself. He doesn't claim to be perfect but because he truly loves himself he likes where he is going and how he is growing. He faithfully commits to expressing who he his. He loves himself because he knows who and what he is. He loves himself so that he may truly love others.
I love a childlike, magical, kind, confident, daring, loving man because that is the only kind of man I am willing to travel this world, create, and live on a farm with.
This love-filled outpouring was brought to you by meditation, Reiki, talking with my ancestors, listening to my heart, and Whitney Houston (again). Now go out there and dare to love what you know you truly love!
It takes ovaries to be the BOSS!
...It also takes emotional intelligence and true awareness of what and who you are to truly be the boss in your own life. Prior to this you are being run, run by your past, your issues, old wounds, fear, something somebody told you when you were 9, and so on. I hinted to this in my last post but today I feel compelled to go a step further. I have found my journey to Womanhood has been to truly put childish things aside (in the most loving way possible). I am not talking about my youthful essence, imagination, or innate silliness, I am talking about how I respond to life situations from a childlike perspective.
I have done a lot of work in this area which involved meditation, Reiki, great conversations with sister and brother friends, dream work, and even more. In meditation I began to observe my thoughts and I began to distinguish that a lot of the way I respond to situations in my adult life come from the child in me. In one meditation, I actually heard a child voice expressing a thought that I previously expressed in the same day. Sometimes we get confused because just because the world has declared us to be a woman or man and that we can have sex, pay bills, make babies, and have a career that we are actually a mature adult. We think that if it came out of our mouths, then it is an adult statement. Well I had to humble myself and see myself from a loving and non-judgmental perspective (i.e. meditation) and I was clearly able to see that my responses were child like, full of fear, and reflective of past pain even if they sounded like straight FIYAH coming out. I am not ashamed about it at all, in fact I love the child in me that was trying to protect me or who was hurt and just wanted to feel safe. I understood why it all happened and why the child in me had such a stronghold, but as a woman, I realized I no longer needed that anymore. I held that little girl in my arms and said, "I love you and it is time for you to step aside." It was time for me to be my own boss, President, Goddess, Queen, Empress and you better believe I have crowned myself, elected and inaugurated myself, deified myself, and even gave myself my own business.
Let's be clear, I am not interested in managing, creating, ruling or leading anyone's life except my own. In fact, when I connect with other people, I am connecting with fellow Presidents, Queens, Gods, Goddesses, Emperors and Empresses. Even if you don't consider yourself to be, that is who I am in conversation with. In my mind and heart, I am always communicating with people who are capable of having their own revelations and creating their own magic. This commitment isn't convenient; it takes a grand level of personal responsibility and I wouldn't have it any other way. I notice people can be thrown off by the integrity I am nourishing within myself because I am not going along with their issues...and that's okay. I love them anyway. It is because I love them I can accept them for who they are and because I love myself, I will not be run by anyone.
When you get to this point and start living like a Woman or Man it isn't always easy. It isn't the heart that holds the pain and fear, it is your ego, the little child, your foggy mind. It is your task to see past them. You must know your heart and be brave enough (quiet enough) to listen to it, abide by it. Sometimes we would rather squeeze into our underoos and panties and throw tantrums, threaten, blame and complain than stand up and take responsibility for ourselves, stand in our hearts. Living as a Woman or Man requires that you be true to yourself at all times and not to make decisions out of fear. It requires that you have complete trust in your intuition and the power that you have now taken reigns of and not to wallow in self-doubt. It requires that you embark upon an eternal love affair with yourself and not to sink into low self-esteem. It requires ovaries and balls! Most importantly, it requires you to know yourself, accept yourself and have emotional intelligence.
What is emotional intelligence? Well it is exactly what the scared child within you doesn't have. It is knowing how to be present with your emotions and being able to distinguish what emotions you are experiencing and then addressing them accordingly. It doesn't involve suppression or denial of how you feel nor does it involve judgment. We are supposed to feel. It is a beautiful thing and if you are emotionally intelligent, you put yourself in a true place of power. You are no longer being run. If I am sad or feel loss, I give myself time space and understanding. If I am fearful, I reassure myself and give myself a sense of security, If I am angry, I set boundaries for myself. I am not afraid to feel anything because I know what to do. If feel peace, I fly with it. If I feel joy, I have a party. If I am fearful, I am not going to have a party because that isn't properly addressing how I feel. If I feel joy, I don't need to stop and understand it, I need to let it flow within me and fly.
For me, knowing I have the ability to create life, pushed me to come into this awareness. Being trained as an artist taught me that to make something beautiful, you have to start with a beautiful idea. With my hands I have made a lot of beautiful things in my life. With my mind, I am now making my life beautiful because I know I have the power to do so. Most people will say, "Of course, it all starts in the mind. I knew that!" But my question is what are you doing to make it so for you? Who is really running things in your life? Are you your own boss? How do you stand in your love for yourself? It takes ovaries to be the boss!
Ajah! Ajah! Fighting!
English "Dodgy" ball time! Someone was going down!
When I lived in Seoul, Korea I became very aware of a certain phrase, "FIGHTING!" Sometimes it sounded more like "Hwaiting!" since there really isn't a "f" sound in the Korean language. I first heard it when I was watching Korean Dramas. If someone was having a "hard time" and felt "a burden" another kind person who noticed their "hard time" would say "Fighting!" or if they need that super kick, "Ajah! Ajah! Fighting!". It was like a super boost of encouragement. I used this phrase very often.
Sure my time in Korea was amazing but it wasn't absent of rough days or supreme frustrations. I have a very independent personality and never see myself subordinate to anyone. Hell, I consider myself to be the real President (sorry Obama). I frequently use terms like sovereign and self-important to help others understand me with all the seriousness in the world, universe, and galaxies beyond. I am my CEO, boss, supervisor, President, Queen, King, God, Goddess, etc in all situations. If I am not interested in leading, then I am an independent consultant or contributor. So you can imagine how that way of being was received by collectivist, hierarchical, South Korea. Some say modern day Korean culture is more like American culture in the 1950's. I like to think that is not true but sometimes I really wondered. Despite this, I met some amazing people who did their best to support me and understand me (they even prayed for me) but with all the support in the world I still had to do the real work to make my time there magical.
The first thing I did was made a decision to love the children unconditionally. I LOVED them (still do) and told them so everyday. I also loved the people I worked with and I am sure they felt it. I then changed my teaching style to smiling all of the time and being committed to having fun everyday. One day I was posing for a portrait and my friend asked me if I was getting tired holding my smile and to my shock my answer was no. Smiling became my default expression. I knew it was effective when the students were checking themselves because "Ms. Kiki is not smiling". I also made sure that I kept all school related stuff at school. Outside of school, I made my time with friends and with myself precious. We truly had a blast and I even learned how to swing dance (and I am good).
When I first started, I was so committed to being a good teacher it was painful. I wanted to be perfect and I was beyond stressed out. My mother would tell me to relax and have fun but I was convinced I didn't know how to do it. I was taking work home which has always been a big "no no" in my book. My Co-teacher would always tell me to "take a rest". I was out of control. To feel better and rid myself of a reoccurring headache, I found myself chanting with the nuns and monks at my nearby mountain temple a few times a week. I was also being counseled by the monks afterwards. The temple time just helped me sleep at night. It wasn't until I let it all go and made the decision to be love on two legs did everything change. I stopped "caring" about everything. My concept of "caring" was really just fear of everything going "wrong" and it was spoiling a perfectly good time.
So this brings me back to "Fighting"...Well after a long day it wouldn't be uncommon for fellow teachers to complain about their lives or something that would stress them out. I must admit I was guilty of this in the beginning. But what I found to be most interesting was after my twenty minute complaining session it also wouldn't be uncommon for a teacher to simply say, "Fighting!". Call me a "simple betty" but that was what made everything alright for me. It was what also made me stop complaining and start finding solutions because if after everything I said all you have for me is "Fighting!" then I need to figure something out because clearly it isn't that bad.
If you are having a rough day, week, month, year, or life I say to you, "Fighting" and if you need a little warrior cry, "AJAH! AJAH! FIGHTING!". Now go get butt-naked and run around screaming that to the top of your lungs...even if it is just in your imagination. I personally imagine myself with a stick smashing things while doing my warrior lap...and there may be some howling involved (no faeries die in this process). After you are done with that, "take a rest", set some clear boundaries for yourself, fill yourself with love and enjoy!
oh and then contact me for some of that good stuff aka healing energy...ha ha ha ha!
I am sure most people have heard that in order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. In the past, whenever I heard this, I would always nod my head in agreement. It made perfect sense, of course, you must love yourself. I thought I did love myself ....or maybe I never even considered it on my list of things I had to do. It wasn't until after a few failed relationships I started to reevaluate this so-called love I had for myself. That statement came back again and this time I listened even harder and asked my ego to take a backseat. There wasn't any head-nodding this time, just stillness and a little shock. Maybe I didn't really love myself, but now that I know that, I am going to get on it. Yes indeedy! Let me get right on it...After marching off to get started, I realized I really didn't know how or where to even begin this love affair. Google to the rescue!
After lots of reading and searching, I started the mirror technique. I would look in the mirror for about 5 minutea, deep into my eyes and say, "I love you." It was hard at first and there were times I couldn't actually go through with it. Sometimes I cried tears of joy and sadness. It was hard to distinguish between the two. Eventually I was having near orgasms when I looked in the mirror. I still get a little excited. I am getting excited just thinking about it...But that isn't the point of this entry. Essentially, I did mantras, prayers, treated myself to good food, bought a cute dress, went on adventures, and whatever else that was recommended and I felt the love....I did, but there was still something off. The love didn't really reach me to my core and I really didn't know how to do that. I was in love with the me who lives in this material world, but the real me, I was still ignoring. So when it came down to it, I still didn't know how to love ME.
When I first became attuned to Reiki, I felt a sense of love that I never felt before. My heart felt mushy (still does) and I wanted to hug strangers and cradle them in my bosom (maybe just the babies). A love portal truly opened up inside of me and even though it was a new feeling, I also knew it was always there. I only had glimpses of it before. It forced me to go back to understanding what it means to truly love myself and all of the things that got in the way.
So what did I figure out? What has been the pathway towards true love for me?
Wait for it...
LISTENING, CREATIVITY, and ACTION. Love is a feeling but 'to love' is an action. It is something that you share. I had to realize that I truly am in a relationship with myself and looking in the mirror and buying myself nice things weren't going to cut it. I had to go deeper. I had to listen to my inner voice and give to her, honor her, appreciate all of the unconditional love she gives me. So with the energy of Reiki (which is like a love expressway), I have learned to go in and listen. I meditate and ask questions. I listen...and then I create. I create a world for myself through writing, art, and communication that echos the love I hear in my heart, the love that is given to me unconditionally. It takes a lot of trust and effort to do this, to write the words that I write to myself, to make the things I make for myself, to give to a place without any limitations or rules, and to know that I am loved for all of it. Creating my heart song is truly my greatest act of self love. It the truest love I could give myself and as I have learned it comes back and gets deeper and deeper. Love truly is a journey.
If you made it this far...hahaha... What is your greatest act of self love? How do you love yourself? Can you look into your eyes and say "I love you" without looking away?