One of my favorite quotes comes from the late, great Johnnie Cochran, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." I find these words of pure wisdom applicable to most life situations. Today I hear them echoing through the halls of my dull headache, gently bouncing off the tender spots. This condition I have is probably psychosomatic but I am okay with that. It is my body's way of telling me that I should indeed "acquit". But what is it that I should acquit? Well I'll tell you...
I am a happily single woman but I didn't realize it until very recently, like really recently. Before this revelation, although unaware, I was attached to the idea of partnership and that I needed it or that it was something that I should think I need. Are you following? Recently I went on an awesome date. I had a great time and when I got home I couldn't stop talking. The interesting part was that the subject of this incessant post-date blabber was myself. I can't believe that I am typing this but I fell in even more love with myself. I liked how I carried myself. I liked my smile. I like everything about me, really. Even now I am smiling with love and admiration for sweet, wild, interesting me. I know, I know, this is all so sweet you can barely stand it. Well imagine the position I am in. I hear, "I love you." even in my sleepy hazes before I have brushed my teeth in the morning. It doesn't stop. *blushes*
So what is it that I should acquit? Well we know I can't quit me. I got that Brokeback mountain unquittable kind of love. Today I realized that I can let go of the false need for partnership. It's pointless and only accentuates a false sense of loneliness. I feel so much gratitude for my life and my decisions that neediness and loneliness just don't fit. My headache today allowed me to be with myself. I didn't want to be around anyone and through it all, the love seemed to grow more. I felt myself surrendering more deeply than before to the love within. I hear that great quote and I know that I can close the case on loneliness vs Kiki. There was never a case to begin with.
What have you been holding onto? What/Who are you falsely accusing of doing you wrong? Hire Johnnie and let him set it right for you. I have him on retainer. Once you are able to see your greatness and feel gratitude for all that you are, you will find a lot of the thoughts you have been holding (knowingly or unknowingly) just don't fit. I tried on the glove of loneliness and couldn't get it past my fingertips. If that ain't proof...
Yesterday a man came by to fix the oven. The computer's motherboard exploded. He told me before he started that the issue would either be the temp control or the brain. I never thought of my oven having a brain, but I found it interesting that over the past few weeks the one thing that I felt was on the verge of exploding was my brain. Maybe the oven took one for the team.
I have been exploring a different way of living lately. My goal is to live and make decisions completely from my heart. I can hear Teena Marie singing the words, "straight from my heart" as I type. Wait, didn't she die from heart issues? No matter, I stay on the path undeterred. I could tell you plenty of reasons why I am doing this, but I don't want to. It is a feeling that is prompting me to do this, something that beyond reason I can't shake. The reasons that have seemed to line up in a perfect queue came later, almost as a defense and I am not interested in defending myself.
As a result of this internal shift, my mind seems to be rebelliously in overdrive. It plays every scenario and thought as if it will do anything to get the last word. Until this point, I don't think I have ever been so aware of my incessant mind. The heart is a whisper in comparison. It has a little voice, but it is clear. It's that shy genius that stands in a corner. You have to seek it out to receive its wisdom. The mind is the class-clown, the trouble-maker, and even the well-read scholar who has plenty of information about every topic. The heart takes to a path steady and surefooted unlike the many stumbles and detours of my mind. The hard part is being able to listen to the heart as the mind pounds, beats, and thumps louder than any heart I've ever heard. So clear is the heart once you start to clear the brush of the mind. You quickly realize how unbreakable the heart really is and how temperamental the mind is.
I sat and listened to the repair man as he told me about his family, his job, and bits of his life. I noted how much my ears have improved since I have been focusing on my heart. The oven and its brain became secondary to our exchange. As I walked him to the door he mentioned how he never talked so much about his life, it wasn't something he usually did. I just smiled. What he didn't know was that I was following my protocol: think with the heart and feel with the mind. He never stood a chance.
And now, right on time, Chaka sings Please Pardon Me...