All of my posts are related to the direction my Reiki practice is going and it seems like the theme as of late is all about relationships. Take this ride with me as we delve into my mind (filtered through my heart) to get to a bit of what it means to really have a healthy relationship. I have been spending the last two weeks (at least) working to have a deeper understanding of our connection as men and women because the demands of my practice have prompted, no, demanded me to go there. I am convinced that we are supposed to be together, us gals and guys. Our biology has us fitting together like puzzle pieces, sure, but it is more than that. It is in the pull and draw we emit towards each other that goes beyond words and explanation. We use the word "love", but right now I feel it isn't enough. It is the bond that goes beyond breath, sight, sound...into stillness. It is in our ability to create new life. Everything I have written isn't news to anyone I am sure, but I ask you to act like it is. Just do it. I go through this process every time to gain deeper insight; I assume nothing. Do that with me now.
I had this vision of men and women having a party together in some distant desert land. The women crowned in golden headdresses, the men draped in golden sashes, and the mummified corpse of their matriarch adorn in light blue and gold gently watching over the people as they revered her. Her presence got the party started. They had a ceremonial courting dance of sorts. The women would kick out their feet to the drum beat while flicking their wrists as they crossed their chests. The men would dance around the women with their backs to them as their shoulders seemed to lead the direction of their bodies. As the men would get closer to the women, the ladies would further entice by placing their hands on the sides of their face making a bursting like motion. It was a swirling dramatic scene. I sat in all white watching them in awe and wonder. They were so happy and exuberant. Joy twinkled in their mingling and I felt like a kid peaking in on my parents. But then there was a turn of events. The men started to be called away to a duty of some sort. It felt like war, a struggle only they would experience. As the men were disappearing the women kept on dancing. It was like they didn't want to lose the moment, their culture. The kept dancing but the movements, although precise, lacked their previous luster. The men started to comeback but now they were in the background, the sidelines, just watching. The women now danced with themselves. There was little interaction and it was almost like the men were never a part of this once sacred dance. The vision ended.
The first thing that came to mind was the so-called independent women (and men) of our time. What does it mean if it just means you have become accustomed to a lackluster life? What does tradition mean if it is no longer dynamic for the whole? If together they could make so much magic, why not find a way to do it in the new conditions? We create NEW life together, don't we?
The second thing that came to mind was understanding how the individual experiences we have in relationships often go overlooked or ignored. When we bond sexually with anyone it goes beyond the physical experience; you have made a secure connection with that person's energy. That is where the true marriage really happens, but so much of our current culture thrives in ignoring this reality. Without intercourse I can feel the emotions of someone else because I am an empath. It took me years to realize certain emotions were not my own and without emotional intelligence dealing with these mysterious emotions can be crippling and downright terrifying. In a relationship although your partner didn't experience your day, they feel all of the emotional baggage you have picked up through the bond you have made with each other. If your way of being with your emotions is to ignore them or pushed them down, then you have done the same to your partner. There can be no growth together if that's how you roll and there isn't a place for them in your world or on the dance floor. If what they are feeling is beyond the scope of your experience, it means you have to sit down and listen so that you can learn about what you are ALREADY empathizing and work through it together. That is the commitment you made when you were doing all that dancing and legs spreading. You bonded to their physical body consciously and most likely unconsciously to their mental, emotional, and spiritual body as well. A relationship cannot thrive if you ignore this.
I want to say there is a third thing just to keep this going but I don't think I had one. I did start talking to my friends about it, my vision. I told them they were going to help me write a blog and love them to bits, they did. I received both feminine and masculine perspectives because I love balance. What I found in talking to them is the same issue that I have consistently come across, the inability to receive. In so many cases, when one partner is put in a position to fend for themselves (often the woman) they form a protective shield. It becomes hard for them to receive because they have been accustomed to doing everything for themselves, being independent. The shock of acquiring these survivor skills is the same force that holds them into their pattern. The biggest problem is that this act (the holding pattern) isn't done out of trust or love, it is out of fear and and illusion of necessity. So this is the shift that needs to be made. We have to start moving into trust and love. We have to open our hearts and listen to its wisdom and open our legs and receive our puzzle piece (HA!). As we listen to our hearts, we have to recognize the connection we have to each other. Ever heard of the phrase, "Loving me is loving you."? If you really embark upon the journey of knowing yourself, you will also start to see all of your issues that are waiting to be healed. As you love each one, you also extend that love to your partner and then the legs start to creak open a little wider...bit by bit.
I'm convinced we weren't meant to do this life thing alone. Physically you entered the world alone but the bonds you have made along the way go way beyond the human flesh. Michael Jackson said, "you're just another part of me" and "you are not alone". I think he was going somewhere with that. It is up to us to break the pattern. He has to ask that lady to dance and lay out his confessions in his motions (energy in motion=emotion). She has to say yes and allow her body to move with his. His motions are new and different, but she is skilled at receiving this new knowledge, and finding her own rhythm as they groove. As they stay in this flow, they create something new, because that is what they do. They know as long as they have the music, the floor is theirs, and they always have the music.
Open your legs to healthy relationships. Open your legs to greater knowledge of self. Open them up to learning something new about your partner. Open them up to trust. Open your legs to that loving lion. Open them legs to divine partnership. Open 'em up to emotional intelligence. Open 'em w i d e to healing.
When we heal together...
Dear Mother Mamochka Mom Ma,
If you ask me who created me, human me, I never attribute it to some invisible god in the ether somewhere. I will tell you with full clarity that my creator is you. The glory goes to you. There are times when I talk about you with my friends and I have to pause. In those moments, I realize I have the greatest mother on the planet and other planets I am sure. I know I chose you to be my mother. It wasn't an accident or random plan. No, I waited for the right time to enter into this world and I chose you to be the one who would create the way for me to exist. Thank you.
I know being my mother is not the easiest role. I live in a world of dreams and imagination and in so many ways I have asked you to trust something that you couldn't see over and over again. It has been the theme of our journey together and you believe in me in ways not everyone could. With each moment that passes, I seek to bring more from that world into this one and it amazes me that you stand by me, but you do. Even when I have doubted my own capabilities there you were, there as my mother, watching me, listening to me, and reminding me who I am. If there was ever a moment that you said you couldn't, I would understand, because I am more than grateful that I have gotten this far with your love. It has always been my intention that I could show you just a bit of what I see and I know I have done that and I have so much more I want to show you.
One day I looked at my life and took an inventory of all of my accomplishments, my triumphs, my miracles, and I realized that my none of those experiences happened without your support. Not one. Even when I thought I did it all by myself, I knew it wasn't true. Mom you know my heart and understand it somehow. I look at the way you love me and I'm speechless. You never told me what to believe in. You gave me the space to discover for myself. You have never asked me to be someone I wasn't even as you realized you were raising "the princess", "sleeping beauty", "the eccentric", and "the queen" all rolled into one. Some would say I am spoiled, but I disagree, because the work that I do now, where I pour my love into people who are seeking to grow and heal wouldn't be possible without your support...and I think that those who work with me know it. If I am spoiled, then so is anyone who knows me and spends time with me because I love them the way you love me.
As I told you, everyday is Mother's day, but I am happy to say, Happy Mother's day! to you. You are the one that loved me, inspired others to love me, held me, fed me, watched me sleep, bathed me, sang to me, and changed my dirty diapers... and I am so grateful you did. You raised my brother and I by yourself, in a hot desert, with very little help, and constantly created opportunities for us to realize our own greatness. I never saw you give up or say it was too much. You always seemed endless. I now know it is because you are...endless. There isn't a doubt in my mind or heart that I have the world's greatest mother.
Mom, it shocks me to think that there is a soul who chooses me right now and that one day I will be there for her the way you have been for me. Just as your mother did for you, you have taught me well. I know I can do it too, and in my way pass on our family's tradition of transcendent, royal, dreams into reality, magical, unconditional love. You have created the way for me to exist as your mother did for you. I ask you to never think you have lost your abilities. We have free will but a mother's love opens the way for us to step into a greater vision. You are my creator and my goddess. I love you and I believe in you.
When I was in undergrad preparing for my senior show, there were a lot of ideas that didn't make the cut. I could put my ideas in two categories; Love and Violent Anger. I would watch a hip hop music video and get pissed off. I would hear a careless comment in what might have been viewed as intellectual banter and I could taste blood. I would see a friend not being respected by her boyfriend or her not respecting herself to try to live up to what she thought was expected of her and I was livid. I wanted someone's head for what I felt was being done to women, and not just the one their neck. Oooh harsh huh? Well I told you was pissed off. One of my ideas involve a man wearing the same pair of underwear for a month without washing himself. Then I would take those underwear and pin them to a canvas with the words above it that read, "Dirty men should not define your beauty." Ewww, gross, right? Then I started making these snakes with penises for heads. As I was getting ready to destroy them as part of the work, my professor, my surrogate father, had to intervene. With so much love and concern in his voice, he asked me to reconsider my work. I did and I was happier about it in the end, but initially I thought he didn't understand me and felt like I was being scolded for trying to bring justice to this sexist, oppressive world. I had yet to know my power then and that I could create my own reality instead of being a victim or making others to be victims.
The final show was all about love and aimed to empower women with positive representations of who we were. One of my pieces was entitled "Holding On, Letting Go". This piece probably meant the most to me because it expressed my journey that year so clearly. I had to learn to hold onto the love and let go of the anger. The top of the piece consisted of casts of my hands holding and releasing a suspended liquid which represented energy. The base of the piece was adorned with yonis and lactating nipples nourishing and giving life to the internal change I had to make within myself. It took me years to really make this internal change and it is still evolving and growing but it comes to mind today as I was faced with a challenge in this particular lesson.
Today someone posted a condescending and misleading quote without mentioning my name about a conversation we had. I immediately became upset because I couldn't stand the idea of this person putting out fake wisdom based on half-truths. I also was upset because the full story was that this super "spiritual" man approached our interaction in a very sexual way and I ended our interaction because of it. He wanted to have a conversation about a topic I considered sacred after he just finished being "Slimy Mcgrimey" with a pseudo-spiritual slant. He didn't deserve my time or energy and I let him know. When I saw that post, I wanted to put him on blast and say, "Tell the truth! You are a social media sex fiend and you got mad that I wasn't going for it." I took a deep breath instead. Within our first conversation he was talking about me pregnant with his child. What! Second conversation, he said he wanted to "align my spine". What?!!!! Then he said he wanted to make me feel like a "virgin and child". Bwahaha! When I shared these gems with one of my male friends, we laughed, but then, my friend noted that these lines have probably worked before. I knew he was right, because this guy is middle-aged (something he lied about) and those lines seemed to come out of textbook "spiritual" erotica (which is something I find incredibly humorous on any day). I ended our interaction a few lines after the "virgin and child" spattering. The wild part still remains is that these lines worked on someone. Because of this I want, no, NEED to talk about self-love.
Those lines didn't have a chance on me because I can align my own spine, I regularly feel like a virgin and a child, and I have done everything else he suggested for myself with greatness and perfection. I know how to love myself. My theme song I regularly get down to as a testament to my personal love affair is "You Know How to Love Me" by Phyllis Hyman. I'm playing it now. I am my dream lover. I get myself excited just by walking past a mirror. I touch my thigh and go places beyond. I hear my voice and swoon. I write myself divine love letters. My love takes me to the cosmos and back. My love creates new worlds. I see the beauty in everything I do and in everything I am. I own my pleasure and have taken responsibility for it as I am a faithful student of myself (and I give myself an A+). I LOOOVE myself. My heart is vibrating with love and joy as I type this because just thinking about my love for myself stirs up even more love inside of me. This is a love that only deepens and expands in each moment.
I have found that many men will get into spiritual teachings, yoga, martial arts, academia, intellectualism, and even woman studies just to get in a woman's draws. It is elaborate, but not everyone is an athlete, a rapper, or a powerful business man. Tariq Khemet Ptah Shri El Bey apparently wants the draws too. Sex is wonderful but it is the last thing on my mind when it comes to bonding with my life partner. I always say if a man wants to peak my interest he needs to show me the plan for our farm, tell me exactly how he will implement it, and prove that he has the ability to do so. If he wants me to consider him further, I need to see him planting our fruit trees. Taoism, Tantra, Kama Sutra, Kemetic Sexology, pshhh! What is your relationship to your mother and the women in your life? Can you cook and are you willing to be the primary cook? Are you emotionally intelligent? Do you love yourself? How do you love yourself? What is manhood to you? What is your vision of fatherhood? Do you know how to serve me, protect me, honor me, and provide for me with unconditional love and respect? Are ready to commit your life to doing just that?
Loving yourself changes everything. I have seen the power of it in so many ways in this week alone. I saw it in a woman inspiring more love in her marriage by loving herself more. I saw it in another woman stepping into her womanhood even more as she prepares for more love to enter her world. I saw it in a woman setting the pace for a budding relationship and her partner showing the most admirable respect for her decisions. My love for myself allowed me to not feel bad when I had to reject old dude. In the past, I would have been concerned about hurting the person's feelings. Love yourself in every way you can think of, get creative. Get in the mirror, look deep into those lovely eyes and let yourself know about all of the love stirring inside of you. This is a forever love. I am in love with myself and it feels DIVINE.
In reality that dude should have sat in a corner and thought about why he got rejected... but hey, his "lofty" and oh so "deep" reappearance made for a fun blog post. Blog posts about self-love...I'll open my legs WIDE open to that!
I just finished my hair and I decided to share with you all my special ritual. Hairs are like antennas picking up information and programming from the environment. For this reason, I do my own hair. You know how it feels when someone has taken pride in doing your hair or when it is just routine. In fact, the only hairdressers I trusted with my hair were men who had daughters with similiar hair to mine. I truly felt the love when they did my hair. When I was ready for locs, I was also ready to commit to having a deeper relationship with myself. Yeah, I can get deep about anything... "wholistic" is a better term. When I groom my locs I play love songs from a playlist I created just for that purpose. I like to make sure that as I am touching and handling my hair, it is being programmed with love. I noticed a huge difference in my life after I did that.
Today I switched it up and talked to my friend as I did it. We had a positive and empowering conversation together. I even said my favorite womanhood affirming mantra and almost knocked myself out with joy.
So next time you are grooming your hair, be conscious of what you are watching, listening to, and speaking about. You are programming your hair and yourself with all of it. Make your grooming time special and powerful!