When I was in undergrad preparing for my senior show, there were a lot of ideas that didn't make the cut. I could put my ideas in two categories; Love and Violent Anger. I would watch a hip hop music video and get pissed off. I would hear a careless comment in what might have been viewed as intellectual banter and I could taste blood. I would see a friend not being respected by her boyfriend or her not respecting herself to try to live up to what she thought was expected of her and I was livid. I wanted someone's head for what I felt was being done to women, and not just the one their neck. Oooh harsh huh? Well I told you was pissed off. One of my ideas involve a man wearing the same pair of underwear for a month without washing himself. Then I would take those underwear and pin them to a canvas with the words above it that read, "Dirty men should not define your beauty." Ewww, gross, right? Then I started making these snakes with penises for heads. As I was getting ready to destroy them as part of the work, my professor, my surrogate father, had to intervene. With so much love and concern in his voice, he asked me to reconsider my work. I did and I was happier about it in the end, but initially I thought he didn't understand me and felt like I was being scolded for trying to bring justice to this sexist, oppressive world. I had yet to know my power then and that I could create my own reality instead of being a victim or making others to be victims.
The final show was all about love and aimed to empower women with positive representations of who we were. One of my pieces was entitled "Holding On, Letting Go". This piece probably meant the most to me because it expressed my journey that year so clearly. I had to learn to hold onto the love and let go of the anger. The top of the piece consisted of casts of my hands holding and releasing a suspended liquid which represented energy. The base of the piece was adorned with yonis and lactating nipples nourishing and giving life to the internal change I had to make within myself. It took me years to really make this internal change and it is still evolving and growing but it comes to mind today as I was faced with a challenge in this particular lesson.
Today someone posted a condescending and misleading quote without mentioning my name about a conversation we had. I immediately became upset because I couldn't stand the idea of this person putting out fake wisdom based on half-truths. I also was upset because the full story was that this super "spiritual" man approached our interaction in a very sexual way and I ended our interaction because of it. He wanted to have a conversation about a topic I considered sacred after he just finished being "Slimy Mcgrimey" with a pseudo-spiritual slant. He didn't deserve my time or energy and I let him know. When I saw that post, I wanted to put him on blast and say, "Tell the truth! You are a social media sex fiend and you got mad that I wasn't going for it." I took a deep breath instead. Within our first conversation he was talking about me pregnant with his child. What! Second conversation, he said he wanted to "align my spine". What?!!!! Then he said he wanted to make me feel like a "virgin and child". Bwahaha! When I shared these gems with one of my male friends, we laughed, but then, my friend noted that these lines have probably worked before. I knew he was right, because this guy is middle-aged (something he lied about) and those lines seemed to come out of textbook "spiritual" erotica (which is something I find incredibly humorous on any day). I ended our interaction a few lines after the "virgin and child" spattering. The wild part still remains is that these lines worked on someone. Because of this I want, no, NEED to talk about self-love.
Those lines didn't have a chance on me because I can align my own spine, I regularly feel like a virgin and a child, and I have done everything else he suggested for myself with greatness and perfection. I know how to love myself. My theme song I regularly get down to as a testament to my personal love affair is "You Know How to Love Me" by Phyllis Hyman. I'm playing it now. I am my dream lover. I get myself excited just by walking past a mirror. I touch my thigh and go places beyond. I hear my voice and swoon. I write myself divine love letters. My love takes me to the cosmos and back. My love creates new worlds. I see the beauty in everything I do and in everything I am. I own my pleasure and have taken responsibility for it as I am a faithful student of myself (and I give myself an A+). I LOOOVE myself. My heart is vibrating with love and joy as I type this because just thinking about my love for myself stirs up even more love inside of me. This is a love that only deepens and expands in each moment.
I have found that many men will get into spiritual teachings, yoga, martial arts, academia, intellectualism, and even woman studies just to get in a woman's draws. It is elaborate, but not everyone is an athlete, a rapper, or a powerful business man. Tariq Khemet Ptah Shri El Bey apparently wants the draws too. Sex is wonderful but it is the last thing on my mind when it comes to bonding with my life partner. I always say if a man wants to peak my interest he needs to show me the plan for our farm, tell me exactly how he will implement it, and prove that he has the ability to do so. If he wants me to consider him further, I need to see him planting our fruit trees. Taoism, Tantra, Kama Sutra, Kemetic Sexology, pshhh! What is your relationship to your mother and the women in your life? Can you cook and are you willing to be the primary cook? Are you emotionally intelligent? Do you love yourself? How do you love yourself? What is manhood to you? What is your vision of fatherhood? Do you know how to serve me, protect me, honor me, and provide for me with unconditional love and respect? Are ready to commit your life to doing just that?
Loving yourself changes everything. I have seen the power of it in so many ways in this week alone. I saw it in a woman inspiring more love in her marriage by loving herself more. I saw it in another woman stepping into her womanhood even more as she prepares for more love to enter her world. I saw it in a woman setting the pace for a budding relationship and her partner showing the most admirable respect for her decisions. My love for myself allowed me to not feel bad when I had to reject old dude. In the past, I would have been concerned about hurting the person's feelings. Love yourself in every way you can think of, get creative. Get in the mirror, look deep into those lovely eyes and let yourself know about all of the love stirring inside of you. This is a forever love. I am in love with myself and it feels DIVINE.
In reality that dude should have sat in a corner and thought about why he got rejected... but hey, his "lofty" and oh so "deep" reappearance made for a fun blog post. Blog posts about self-love...I'll open my legs WIDE open to that!