Say you were in a relationship and you feel betrayed by your mate because they cheated on you with 11 people and they videotaped all of it on your bed. How do you forgive that? You first use emotional intelligence and allow yourself to grieve the relationship and set up clear boundaries for yourself. Next, after you have properly address your emotions, it is time to forgive. As we know, it is never about them. When you are forgiving you are giving YOURSELF a greater vision of what's possible. I feel forgiveness is hard for people because they are afraid to enjoy or want more because it means they have to grow. Many have a fear of growth or change. I know I did. I felt like I would no longer be in control if I forgave. That somehow they won. That is really the ego making everything a competition, not wanting to give up control, wanting everything to stay the same; it isn't you. Forgiving is a great ego killer.
So how do you forgive your porn-star dreaming mate (more likely ex-mate)? In this case, you would create a vision of a healthy relationship filled with commitment, honesty, and trust and you would give energy to that. You get your imagination in full gear and start envisioning or writing exactly how a healthy relationship looks to you. What can come up for people is realizing that they never felt worthy of that vision. They start to realize exactly how they got in that particular situation in the first place. They start to see all of the ways they have been dishonest with themselves, all 11 ways. That is the hard part, because you realize that you also are forgiving yourself (another ego killer). Often times the person you have criminalized becomes insignificant as you have to take responsibility for yourself and your experiences. Then, eventually, the whole concept of truly having a healthy love-filled relationship with yourself isn't so far-fetched. If you go all the way, you may even feel gratitude for that "horrible" relationship that prompted you to fall in love with yourself and to create greater visions to give to.
That is the real power of forgiveness. You give forward so that you can be greater than what you were. But once you get there, to that beautiful land, do you then "give back" to those who are where you were? My answer is no. You realize that you are always growing and learning. The gift of forgiveness taught you that you can create greater visions, greater moments of understanding, greater personal growth. Your growth isn't something that you put aside so that you can go "back". That doesn't make sense and is counter-productive. Instead you know that every person and experience offers you a chance to grow and expand. You realize the world is your teacher and you are the faithful student ever-learning, ever-growing. There is no peak are plateau to reach. Your brother or sister ain't heavy because you are walking beside him.
If you take on that mind-set, who is benefiting from who? Who is less fortunate than who? If you go in an "impoverished" area and see that people who have less than you materially are happy, joyous, and grateful, shouldn't you be at their feet with pen and notebook in hand learning and reveling in their wealth like Papa Scrooge in his money pool. Then you in turn can share with them how they can use their wealth to create their OWN desired environment. You see it's an exchange. You aren't "giving back" or helping the less fortunate at all, unless you consider yourself "less fortunate" as well and why waste your time with that concept. I have to admit, in the past I have been more of an observer and judge than a student and lover, but ever since I started to truly know my own wealth and worth, I naturally began to know it in others. Forgiveness taught me that. Love taught me that. Forgive so that you may give yourself something greater to be greater.