I've been in an abusive relationship before. It never became physical but the mental, emotional, and even spiritual warfare was real. The miscellaneous, unexplained bruises on my body left in the wake of the relationship were real. I remember that in one the last conversations I had with him I could feel a piercing pain in my throat. That pain was real. Sickness came over me just like it did when we first met. I remember in our final meeting after I cried in my house for hours determined to only cry once over the situation how I sat across from him. I think I put a curse on him in that moment. I had no words; I just rocked back and forth staring at him. In my head I said, "You are going to get it."  I came home after it was all over, moving states, a shell of young woman.

All of that over a relationship that lasted no more than six months. I met him when I was lonely and had something to prove to myself. I wanted to have a successful relationship and I didn't want to go about that time in my life alone. Most of my peers had partners and from the outside looking in, it looked great, desirable. Then he showed up. There were warning signs from the beginning. He had a dark, gloomy energy despite his seemingly positive, helpful demeanor. His car was full of bags which meant he didn't really have a home and had too much baggage (emotional, mental, and physical). There were other signs that only I would get, my personal intuitive clues, like his writing style, his name, and his appearance amongst others. The biggest sign for me was that during my month and half long sickness, he cared little about my comfort or wellness. The same person who professed his love for me within three weeks of knowing me.

Of course, he had to have redeemable qualities. Why would I have been with him? He was helpful with technology...even though you can't convince me that he didn't break my external drive that had all of my artwork on it. He was a great dancer...even though he only seemed to dance with himself (awkward).  He knew how to apologize...except not to me, but to men he was afraid of, I have never heard more beautiful apologies. He was affectionate...mostly in public. He was nice to me, in public. He was health conscious, obsessively so (annoyingly so). He was witty. He was creative. He had awesome friends. He took out the trash. He cleaned my house without my asking. He was incredibly helpful...but it didn't come without a price.

I feel I attracted him into my life because of the larger questions I was asking rooted in my limited understanding of relationships and the desire I had to be in a relationship. I wanted to understand my parents failed relationship. I wanted to understand a lot of the relationships I saw my close friends experiencing. Even though I knew they weren't great relationships, I didn't know the reasons exactly. This guy served as an amazing teacher. He helped me see the things I needed to heal. When he inadvertently helped to recreate an unpleasant scene of my parent's past (that I only knew in story form) I knew I had issues to work out. He showed me that difference between unconditional love and whatever he thought he was offering. My great desire not to fail in a relationship showed me some of the greatest ways they do fail: Lack of honest communication, running away from childhood issues, not healing from past traumas, lack of self-love, lack of self-awareness, inability to forgive, lack of integrity, ignoring your intuition, and lack of self-control to name several.

I felt so much shame when it was all over. I was ashamed that I chose someone who would call me names and disrespect me in private and public. I was ashamed that I even spent a day with him. I was ashamed I shared myself with him at all. I was ashamed I didn't beat him up. I was ashamed that I was afraid to end the relationship. I was ashamed that I didn't listen to my intuition. I was ashamed that the relationship proved my imperfection. I was ashamed that I was sad that the relationship ended. I was ashamed that in ways he pulled away from me before I did from him. I was ashamed that I would have this story to tell.

When I came home, my mother and an unlikely friend nursed me back to health. I was supposed to be celebrating a great accomplishment I made in my life, but I instead found myself weak, underweight, distraught, and dramatically laying on my mother's bed in a state of shock. They loved me and gave me room to forgive myself. I wrote angry unsent letters (no one would let me send them). If communication with him wasn't necessary, I didn't do it.  After awhile and a few self-help books, I was able to see that in ways we were both hurt children. The big difference was that I was actively addressing my issues. It was my budding awareness of myself that created an exit for me. My ego and inner child took a beating, but my heart didn't, it was just starting to reveal itself to me. Following that relationship I made healing, forgiveness, self-awareness, and self-love my priority. I love the woman I have become. I'm thankful for that relationship. I can now identify those kinds of relationships with very little effort and even though no one likes to hear it, I'm accurate.

And for those of you who are wondering, he did "get it"...but when someone lives in that much pain, there isn't much that truly hurts them. Pain is their modus operandi. They feel lost without it as much as they claim to dislike it. So my little "Celie, Color Purple" moment was reflecting who he was and did very little to change his circumstance. It also did nothing for me. I didn't get up and leave empowered...and in the years that followed I felt no satisfaction. What if I, in that moment, decided to  beam him love of the unconditional variety? No more words, wanting nothing in return, looking into his eyes, calling on the purest of love to flow through me, and beaming it straight at him. Release. Hmmm...

You can't love anger away. Trust me, I know because I've tried...and this comes from the woman who loves love. You can open your heart to anger and give it a place to express itself but you can't push it away. Anger is one of your gifts or tools to navigate this experience and true love is about acceptance. As I have said before, emotions are our fuel and anger can take you to a wonderful place if you know where you are going.

I know some people who can't seem to get anywhere and are always in some type of pain, be it emotional or physical. They carry their pain like a badge of honor or pity, yet they seek to do nothing about it other than look for a quick fix in pain relievers, drugs, alcohol, sex, and the lists goes on. Suppressed anger is usually the culprit for the pain they experience because they lack the courage to express it. They are afraid of their own anger. Some suppress so well that they never feel obvious pain, but they do have obvious weight gain. In my observations, large stomachs belie this more than a big booty. Suppressed anger shows in their plastered smiles, darting eyes, and loud lies. Nevertheless, the pain comes eventually and so does the disease. Your body is the last place it shows up, never the first.

In my previous post simply entitled Anger, I spoke rather poetically about my experience with my own anger. I talked about being chased by my anger in the form of a ferocious canine-like animal. I didn't talk about what I did next, in the midst of all of the fear of being torn to shreds by this hungry beast who seemed to be tracking my every move as if it knew my next steps before I did. First I must say that at some point I decided that I would no longer be afraid of the "darkside" and so-called negative emotions. I long found that humor is my greatest weapon but now I wield it with great tact. In the end, I had to do what was logical; I stopped running from the dog thing and I gave it a job. Just like children and pets who act up when unattended or unoccupied, anger can be easily useful and darn near pleasant to be around when you give it something to do.

I first assessed its qualities. It is extremely powerful and is a marvel at destruction and demolition. If you could have only seen the ruin it left in its chase after me. Part of me wanted to say, "This is a bit much, don't you think?", but we didn't have an open dialogue at that point. I also noticed it had a bit of a sense of humor after it got out a lot of its aggression. It has a beautiful smile. With all of that in mind, I employed it as my "go to" pal when I need to tear down blocks and perceived barriers. An added bonus is the humor that follows a job well done. I so appreciate its jokes. They are cynical, silly, sometimes demented, and always refreshing.

To summarize: When I express my anger in a productive and strategic way, new opportunities open for me and life becomes even more hilarious than it was before.

So ask yourself: How do I express my anger? If I gave my anger a job, what should it be? How do my emotions work for me now? Where do my emotions take me?

I may be just writing this to myself, but I will share this with you all anyway. Over the recent weeks I took a step back from everything to look for clarity. I do this from time to time. I limit my social interaction, reading, writing, work, and anything else that I deem a distraction. For me, everything had become muddled with opposing views and internal conflicts. The journey of self is like a constant revealing and just when you think you have something figured out, a new bit of information is added to the mix forcing you to reconfigure your previous calculations. Maybe I should stop trying to reach conclusions. Maybe there aren't any problems to be solved and the very act of trying to solve the problem is what causes the problem that never really existed... I just read that I titled the post "Anger" so I should get to it. The funny thing is what I have done so far is the perfect illustration of how I have been addressing my anger. I work so hard on an explanation that I forget I was angry. Kind readers, use your imagination and see this next paragraph as the first.

I am angry about a lot of things. If I had to describe what my anger looks like, it would resemble a black ferocious canine-like creature that when it gets really angry bulks up like a charcoal gray hulk. This androgynous hulk dog/wolf has the strength of 8000 pitbulls and the hunger 5000 packs of wolves combined. I keep it chained up, but it broke free recently and it started to hunt me. My cat-like abilities and uncanny talent to search out steel doors and high ledges have allowed me to allude it, but I have a feeling that it knows exactly where I am. It's hunting me, finding the right time to take its reward. You see, every time I seek to dive deeper into myself, there it is growling and baring its teeth. I hiss back with explanations and someone distracts me with heart shaped candy corns. It watches me sap up the unbearable sweetness as a new muscle tones in its jaw.  I search for cake and it searches for me. Dun Dun Dun Duuuuun.. I have had too much cake this time. That ultimate muscle has been toned. I saw it when it happened. I heard it when it said enough was enough. I ran when I saw the chains break and the cage completely shattered. I tried to negotiate with dog-catchers. No one would help me because this is my journey.

Here is a confession: I have always had a strong disdain for the phrase "love and light". Oooh it irks me to the bone. Oh man, I don't think I could describe enough how much I can't stand those words together. Recently in an email exchange, someone said "love and darkness" and I felt my heart smile and inside I sighed, "Yes!". "Love and light" always sounded incredibly pretentious and a like a huge gargantuan LIE. Most of the people saying it from my observations seem to be saying it as a hope and not a reality. I say deal with the reality. You know good and well you aren't all about love and light so be real and say so. I know I am not. I am all of it. If I am the oppressed, I am the oppressor. If I am the beautiful, I am the ugly. If I am the shit, I am the flowers. If I am the light, I am the darkness as well...And if I am the articulate, then I am the foul-mouthed, so fuck "love and light". <-----Maybe that is the dog in me. If I am the hunted, I am the hunter.

All of my posts are related to the direction my Reiki practice is going and it seems like the theme as of late is all about relationships. Take this ride with me as we delve into my mind (filtered through my heart) to get to a bit of what it means to really have a healthy relationship. I have been spending the last two weeks (at least) working to have a deeper understanding of our connection as men and women because the demands of my practice have prompted, no, demanded me to go there. I am convinced that we are supposed to be together, us gals and guys. Our biology has us fitting together like puzzle pieces, sure, but it is more than that. It is in the pull and draw we emit towards each other that goes beyond words and explanation. We use the word "love", but right now I feel it isn't enough. It is the bond that goes beyond breath, sight, sound...into stillness. It is in our ability to create new life. Everything I have written isn't news to anyone I am sure, but I ask you to act like it is. Just do it. I go through this process every time to gain deeper insight; I assume nothing. Do that with me now.

I had this vision of men and women having a party together in some distant desert land. The women crowned in golden headdresses, the men draped in golden sashes, and the mummified corpse of their matriarch adorn in light blue and gold gently watching over the people as they revered her. Her presence got the party started. They had a ceremonial courting dance of sorts. The women would kick out their feet to the drum beat while flicking their wrists as they crossed their chests. The men would dance around the women with their backs to them as their shoulders seemed to lead the direction of their bodies. As the men would get closer to the women, the ladies would further entice by placing their hands on the sides of their face making a bursting like motion. It was a swirling dramatic scene. I sat in all white watching them in awe and wonder. They were so happy and exuberant. Joy twinkled in their mingling and I felt like a kid peaking in on my parents. But then there was a turn of events. The men started to be called away to a duty of some sort. It felt like war, a struggle only they would experience. As the men were disappearing the women kept on dancing. It was like they didn't want to lose the moment, their culture. The kept dancing but the movements, although precise, lacked their previous luster. The men started to comeback but now they were in the background, the sidelines, just watching. The women now danced with themselves. There was little interaction and it was almost like the men were never a part of this once sacred dance. The vision ended.

The first thing that came to mind was the so-called independent women (and men) of our time. What does it mean if it just means you have become accustomed to a lackluster life? What does tradition mean if it is no longer dynamic for the whole? If together they could make so much magic, why not find a way to do it in the new conditions? We create NEW life together, don't we?

The second thing that came to mind was understanding how the individual experiences we have in relationships  often go overlooked or ignored. When we bond sexually with anyone it goes beyond the physical experience; you have made a secure connection with that person's energy. That is where the true marriage really happens, but so much of our current culture thrives in ignoring this reality. Without intercourse I can feel the emotions of someone else because I am an empath. It took me years to realize certain emotions were not my own and without emotional intelligence dealing with these mysterious emotions can be crippling and downright terrifying. In a relationship although your partner didn't experience your day, they feel all of the emotional baggage you have picked up through the bond you have made with each other. If your way of being with your emotions is to ignore them or pushed them down, then you have done the same to your partner. There can be no growth together if that's how you roll and there isn't a place for them in your world or on the dance floor. If what they are feeling is beyond the scope of your experience, it means you have to sit down and listen so that you can learn about what you are ALREADY empathizing and work through it together. That is the commitment you made when you were doing all that dancing and legs spreading. You bonded to their physical body consciously and most likely unconsciously to their mental, emotional, and spiritual body as well. A relationship cannot thrive if you ignore this.

I want to say there is a third thing just to keep this going but I don't think I had one. I did start talking to my friends about it, my vision. I told them they were going to help me write a blog and love them to bits, they did. I received both feminine and masculine perspectives because I love balance. What I found in talking to them is the same issue that I have consistently come across, the inability to receive. In so many cases, when one partner is put in a position to fend for themselves (often the woman) they form a protective shield. It becomes hard for them to receive because they have been accustomed to doing everything for themselves, being independent. The shock of acquiring these survivor skills is the same force that holds them into their pattern. The biggest problem is that this act (the holding pattern) isn't done out of trust or love, it is out of fear and and illusion of necessity.  So this is the shift that needs to be made. We have to start moving into trust and love. We have to open our hearts and listen to its wisdom and open our legs and receive our puzzle piece (HA!). As we listen to our hearts, we have to recognize the connection we have to each other. Ever heard of the phrase, "Loving me is loving you."? If you really embark upon the journey of knowing yourself, you will also start to see all of your issues that are waiting to be healed. As you love each one, you also extend that love to your partner and then the legs start to creak open a little wider...bit by bit.

I'm convinced we weren't meant to do this life thing alone. Physically you entered the world alone but the bonds you have made along the way go way beyond the human flesh. Michael Jackson said, "you're just another part of me" and "you are not alone". I think he was going somewhere with that. It is up to us to break the pattern. He has to ask that lady to dance and lay out his confessions in his motions (energy in motion=emotion). She has to say yes and allow her body to move with his. His motions are new and different, but she is skilled at receiving this new knowledge, and finding her own rhythm as they groove. As they stay in this flow, they create something new, because that is what they do. They know as long as they have the music, the floor is theirs, and they always have the music.

So...
Open your legs to healthy relationships. Open your legs to greater knowledge of self. Open them up to learning something new about your partner. Open them up to trust. Open your legs to that loving lion. Open them legs to divine partnership. Open 'em up to emotional intelligence. Open 'em     w  i  d  e     to healing.

When we heal together...

Do you have emotional blocks? Do you suppress your emotions? If you do, you may often find that no matter how much you eat well and workout, you still can't seem to lose that layer of fat that helps to keep your tummy extra warm. You may also find that you may start working out and get very emotional and without realizing why, you have stopped your regimen.
So what should you do? Work them abs and work out your emotions.
Your stomach is really where you store your emotions and if you aren't letting them flow, they get stuck there. As a protection and comfort mechanism, your body starts to store fat there. Getting strong in that area, will tell your body you don't need that form of protection or comfort. But this only works if you are willing to deal with the emotions that come up as an result of your ab work. So try it out. The perks are pretty awesome if you ask me, nice abs and being emotionally balanced. What!?!? Heal yourself!!

Are you ready to do "the work"? I have said it before that I can only be called a healer because I can heal myself, not because I can heal someone else. This week I feel this truth more than ever. Many people are trained to externalize personal power and to rely on something or someone else to make it all better. Doing energy healing work, I have encountered clients who aren't willing to do their own work but instead to rely upon my "healing powers". I don't support this kind of interaction because it essentially dis-empowers the client and that is counterproductive.  healing always begins and ends with the person who intends to heal, I am there as a facilitator. So what is "the work" that I expect clients to be willing and ready to do?

First I have to say how I feel Reiki works. It is called an healing energy but I don't feel it is because it heals, but really because it helps you to connect to your healing potential. Some practitioners may disagree with me but ah well. I feel at our essence we are perfect, we are well-being, we are divine love, and we are whole. In many ways, I think this is why I feel such a youthfulness and lightness with Reiki. Essentially, I have been able to tap into who and what I really am and allow it to be my dominate expression. When we are children we are closest to that of what we really are which is why as I gone on this healing journey I continue to become more child-like. As we grow, and the lessons of life whip us around a bit, we grow further away from that sense of well-being, divinity, love, and wholeness. Reiki comes in and creates a powerful yet gentle bridge to who you are which allows healing to occur. But with all of that, the question remains to you, my future client, what is your "work"?

You have free will and healing is dependent on you using it. Reiki can do everything I said, but you have to open the door and allow it to flow within. The amount of healing that occurs is determined by how deep you are willing to go and how much you are willing to confront. What doors are you willing to open? Reiki and I can't do that for you. I remember watching this documentary about how deep the ocean really is. There are organisms in the ocean that we may never see because we can't make equipment to survive the environmental conditions of the ocean. When I think of healing, I think about the ocean. If at the deepest part of the ocean lies my heaven, how much am I willing to release, change, transform, learn, and confront to get there. Am I willing to put in the effort come what may? Reiki will help you get there faster and safely but first you have to be willing to get in the water and swim with the sharks, whales, stingrays, and all other deadly sea creatures.

What does NOT doing "the work" look like?
If you find yourself wanting a session out of curiosity, receiving a session, then getting guidance from your practitioner, and then not following up on anything suggested to help you further your healing process, you have just wasted your time. Metaphorically, you are floating on the surface of the ocean on a life raft without any intentions of diving deep. You know you need assistance but you are not willing to do your part for many reasons, fear of change or the unknown usually being the culprit. If you find yourself loving the "healing energy" of someone else and keep on wanting to go back and back because you feel they are "healing" you, you are not doing "the work". You are on the life raft and think the occasional fish that plops up on your raft and the splash of water that offers refreshment from the sun is going to save you. You need to get off the raft and grow some gills. If you are out to "test" Reiki, you are in a jacuzzi miles away from the ocean. Last but not least, if you love the attention that you get when in a healing session and the philosophy of healing, but when things come up to heal you suppress or deny them, you are not doing "the work". You are on the beach taking pictures as your feet are occasionally dampened by the tide and when you see a image you don't like, you just delete it. It is still right there in the ocean but you pretend as if it doesn't exist. Put the camera down, get naked, and dive in.

I am joyfully here for those who are ready to do "the work". If you are willing to go deep, then I will support you along the way. I will give you insight, tips, guidance and even homework so that your journey can be a beautiful one, but it can only be beautiful if you intend it to be so...and I am all about beauty.

More information:
For info on my services and pricing ...click here
For more on my view on the role of  a healer ...click here
What is Reiki according to me? ...click here
About me ...click here
For healing tips ...click here

Say you were in a relationship and you feel betrayed by your mate because they cheated on you with 11 people and they videotaped all of it on your bed. How do you forgive that? You first use emotional intelligence and allow yourself to grieve the relationship and set up clear boundaries for yourself. Next, after you have properly address your emotions, it is time to forgive. As we know, it is never about them. When you are forgiving you are giving YOURSELF a greater vision of what's possible. I feel forgiveness is hard for people because they are afraid to enjoy or want more because it means they have to grow. Many have a fear of growth or change. I know I did. I felt like I would no longer be in control if I forgave. That somehow they won. That is really the ego making everything a competition, not wanting to give up control, wanting everything to stay the same; it isn't you. Forgiving is a great ego killer. 

So how do you forgive your porn-star dreaming mate (more likely ex-mate)? In this case, you would create a vision of a healthy relationship filled with commitment, honesty, and trust and you would give energy to that. You get your imagination in full gear and start envisioning or writing exactly how a healthy relationship looks to you. What can come up for people is realizing that they never felt worthy of that vision. They start to realize exactly how they got in that particular situation in the first place. They start to see all of the ways they have been dishonest with themselves, all 11 ways. That is the hard part, because you realize that you also are forgiving yourself (another ego killer). Often times the person you have criminalized becomes insignificant as you have to take responsibility for yourself and your experiences. Then, eventually, the whole concept of truly having a healthy love-filled relationship with yourself isn't so far-fetched. If you go all the way, you may even feel gratitude for that "horrible" relationship that prompted you to fall in love with yourself and to create greater visions to give to.

That is the real power of forgiveness. You give forward so that you can be greater than what you were.  But once you get there, to that beautiful land, do you then "give back" to those who are where you were? My answer is no. You realize that you are always growing and learning. The gift of forgiveness taught you that you can create greater visions, greater moments of understanding, greater personal growth. Your growth isn't something that you put aside so that you can go "back". That doesn't make sense and is counter-productive. Instead you know that every person and experience offers you a chance to grow and expand. You realize the world is your teacher and you are the faithful student ever-learning, ever-growing. There is no peak are plateau to reach. Your brother or sister ain't heavy because you are walking beside him.

If you take on that mind-set, who is benefiting from who? Who is less fortunate than who? If you go in an  "impoverished" area and see that people who have less than you materially are happy, joyous, and grateful, shouldn't you be at their feet with pen and notebook in hand learning and reveling in their wealth like Papa Scrooge in his money pool.  Then you in turn can share with them how they can use their wealth to create their OWN desired environment. You see it's an exchange. You aren't "giving back" or helping the less fortunate at all, unless you consider yourself "less fortunate" as well and why waste your time with that concept. I have to admit, in the past I have been more of an observer and judge than a student and lover, but ever since I started to truly know my own wealth and worth, I naturally began to know it in others. Forgiveness taught me that. Love taught me that. Forgive so that you may give yourself something greater to be greater.

I write about love a lot. I can talk endlessly about love, and being that this is the season of romantic love, I thought I might share a bit about the type of man I love, my kind of Boo-peice.  This is for all of you who think women only like a certain kind of man or for those who think that there is no such thing as a "good" man. I am fixin' to create one right now. Don't believe me, just read.

I love a playful man, a man who knows how to have fun in any situation. There is nothing worse than seeing a grown man be serious about everything. Yuck. I find it incredibly repulsive actually. See the man I love has a set of gold teeth on hand just in case we need to make a quick fake music video.  He has jokes about preachers, spiritual folks, career folks, and anyone who is a little too serious. He gets me a thong that he knows I will never wear just to dance around in it and make me laugh. He sings me silly songs when I am in the bathroom for "support" and "inspiration". He laughs while waiting in long lines. He will dance slow to fast songs, fast to slow songs, and grind to country music (ow!).  I love an imaginative man. I give him a word and he gives me a fantasy. He is friends with the orange dragon that flies me around at night as well. He sees that the sky is red and that the moon smiles. He is always creating something, never without ideas, and full of magical solutions. He wakes up ready to bring something new into the world and goes to bed knowing he has accomplished it. The gorgeous world he lives in, started in his mind. I love a gentle man. His strength isn't in "fronting" or acting like he is "hard", it is in walking tall in his gentleness. His nature makes people trust him and want to be around him and because of this, he is protected. Because of this, he can protect others. Oh and his massages are painless and transcendent. I love an intelligent man. He knows if he starts quoting other people, I will not be impressed (unless it is the late, great Johnny Cochran). He knows that if he is afraid of something and doesn't address it, I will remind him of emotional intelligence. He knows that when it comes to complaining and being the victim, ain't nobody got time for that. He knows that it feels great to take responsibility for his life. He knows I love a man courageous enough to be who he truly is, no matter how "crazy" that may look. I love a courageous man. He dives into the mystery. He reads something like this and doesn't flinch. He rises to the challenge to follow his destiny. He doesn't need the armor that a large ego provides. He lets his heart lead him. He serenades me with a mediocre voice in a crowded room but his courage and focus makes it sound angelic.

I love a man who loves himself. He doesn't claim to be perfect but because he truly loves himself he likes where he is going and how he is growing. He faithfully commits to expressing who he his. He loves himself because he knows who and what he is. He loves himself so that he may truly love others.

I love a childlike, magical, kind, confident, daring, loving man because that is the only kind of man I am willing to travel this world, create, and live on a farm with.

This love-filled outpouring was brought to you by meditation, Reiki, talking with my ancestors, listening to my heart, and Whitney Houston (again). Now go out there and dare to love what you know you truly love!