These past two weeks have been quite a challenge for me (in a good way). I am at the point where I feel the game changing and expanding. So tonight, I will not use my usual post format and instead keep these two week's sessions notes on each individual person to myself. When I started this project I knew I wanted to work with 5 people and after a few people inquiring for the 5th spot, I finally found someone last week. I affectionately call her Coco because I was drinking chocolate milk during our first session. Last week was my first session with Coco.
Coco's addition to the group is proving to be that necessary link to what feels like a chain of transformation. She is someone who teaches me faith, surrender, and patience. In these last two weeks this work has become real. Tears are flowing, truths are being faced, and I am being stretched. I can see and feel the journey now even though I don't know the destination. Talk about faith, I'm filled with it. I have to be.
If it wasn't clear before, I have learned that this work can't be rooted in my ability to hold a conversation or to listen to people's problems. I set out to see the efficacy, magic of this divine energy flowing through me and that is what has been so hard. I am forced to surrender to the unknown so that I can be of greater service. I have to make a choice to let my intellect and even experience be secondary to the real work. At one point as I listened to one of my participants thoughts scatter and jump from one point to the next, I asked my self if I could help her. I had just made a video about the "Healer's Journey" expressing that I won't be able to help everyone and there I was possibly faced with that situation. Before I got too far into doubt, I asked my heart the same question and I heard that voice say, "You can...It'll take some time." So I continue on, digging deep, rooting myself in my heart. I tap into my love-flow and just go.
Self-love is the foundation to most of the work we are doing. It can be heart-wrenching to guide people on this journey and see how difficult it is for them. I vacillate between cheerleader and coach while maintaining honesty. I wont let them get away with being complacent or lazy because love isn't. As almost everything in life, it all seems to boil down to love or fear. In everyone's stories, fear brought them to the hospital, the meds, the diagnoses, and further away from themselves.
The fascinating thing is seeing how even though everyone in the group have never met each other and probably never will, they are all linked. One person's experience informs the other. What's happening is truly a community effort. All of our appointments are divinely timed, even when they are late. More than before, I find that my dreams cover territory that seems specific for the work that I am doing with them. Yes, I am even working when I sleep. In my personal life, I am finding that kind souls have showed up helping to guide me through this process along the way.
When I say I am proud of the people I am working with, it comes from the deepest place in my heart. Pride isn't the best way to describe it even though my chest feels so full. I am grateful.
2nd Session with Ginger
Ginger is a cool lady. She has a hippie in the city vibe and I love hearing the experience in her voice. Late last week she treated me with an audio recording original poem. It was a part of her homework and hearing it gave me chills. She had an eventful week involving an intense panic attack, a brief stint in the hospital due to heart issues, and even a breakup. When she told me, nothing flinched. If she could see my smile on the other end I wonder what she would have thought. I was excited for her. She went through a pretty dramatic time and came out of it. I made sure to point that out to her. In her session we talked a lot about love. I was focused in her heart center for the session. It felt like it had been recently burst open and there was a major excavation. It looked like a cavity or a canyon with red and darker colors. I felt the energy flow through my hands into her heart and as we talked I felt the area slowly getting clear. We got so caught up in the conversation that I didn't realize the hour was up until I felt the energy no longer flowing, I then looked at the clock and realized it had been an hour. I love how that works. She does guided meditations so I encouraged her to create on for my funeral prescription....actually it is her homework, including going further with part last weeks time travelling homework. May Ginger do it all in Radical Love!
2nd Session with Raccoon
It is only fitting to have a session where you talk endlessly about death when you are working with a Shaman. And what a great time it was! We talked a lot about learning to go through the grieving process with the events in our lives. She said her homework gave her the courage to make space for herself. How awesome is that? Our session was really a chatty session. We learned a bit about each other and bonded a bit over the joys and wonders of the relationships between mothers and daughters. Mostly the theme of our session was about simple joys. Sometimes we think of heaven as this ultimate paradise full of joy only to be experienced after we have made our transition. I asked her to consider the moments that we find joyous with the intent to possibly see why we choose to have this human experience full of contrast. Somehow I managed to use a Korean Drama (You Who Came From the Stars) in this session as an example of enjoying the simple moments. She shared a bit about her personal life and a relationship she was exploring. Since her daughter was coming into town I told her I would let her daughter handle the straight talk and I would just send the energy over. Overall she felt really clear in her energy. She informed me that she felt good and replenished. Her homework was to note at least 7 things or moments she finds enjoyable.
3rd Session with Pearl
This week I started to begin to address some of the challenges she brought up and that I observed from our previous two sessions. In the session with Raccoon, she said that these sessions will be like peeling away the layers and I agree with her. So with Pearl I began the process more consciously. Before the session I found myself getting two separate bags of chips to munch on to ground myself. I suddenly started to understand her a bit. From there I started to write a list of foods for her to try to help her ground and let go of some of the weight she was carrying: root vegetables, ginger, and apple cider vinegar. Pearl is an empath and the challenge for a lot of empaths is learning to distinguish their feelings from others and learning how to work through their emotions. Exercise is very helpful in that.The storyteller in me came out as we navigated the tapestry of her life, well when is she ever not present. Sometimes I am surprised how the things that I have done in the past can help someone else. I find that with Pearl her challenges are the basic ones, finance, work, family, and health, but I also see that they can be easily ameliorated as she begins to step in her power...And she is very powerful. Because of this, I will keep on pushing her to be more creative. Beautifully she seems just as eager to do so and wonderfully I know how to help her through if she feels a block along the way. She told me she finally got her name for her spirit guide and I was so excited for her. I called her a witch. I want her to be okay with words like "witch" and "crazy" so that she feels free to be who she is. Her homework was to create a spell without any outside help.
2nd Session with The Wiz
After the first session with The Wiz I knew that if we didn't work to go within, we were going to continue to bounce around without ever getting to the root of our work together. We started later than the scheduled time and I found myself unusually subdued. Prior to his session I only wanted to relax and listen to a really mellow song. It all made sense when the session started because it was my way of bringing him down so that I could guide him through the meditation I had planned. We chatted casually for about 15 minutes before the energy started to flow within me. Once it did, I began to prepare him for the meditation. I put on my red shoes, turned off the lights, and took him on a journey within himself. He ended up on a stage. He described feeling so much love and a feeling of connectedness to the audience. I found it interesting that even though he is a musician he never said he was carrying an instrument while on stage. I guided him to explore the environment more. He took that opportunity to embrace the crowd. We stayed in the crowd for a while. He then invited important people to him into the experience. I found this to be the most fascinating because this was when he started to gain very important wisdom. Throughout his session I saw so much purple. I saw a purple haze over everything he was experiencing. When I asked him what colors he saw, he said red and orange. Later he said he was seeing purple as well. When he got what he came for, he went back to his starting point. I usually guide people through a grounding process after the meditation to anchor the experiences and to make sure they are balanced. Because he is a very airy person, I decided to work with his nature and create an entirely different grounding process using the sky as part of his foundation. Purple rain also was a part of it. His journey was all about opening and nurturing his creativity. I was happy to hold the space for him to begin to solidify how his passion for music and creativity shapes and unfolds in his life. From the meditation I think we both felt the universality of music and how it connects us to greater truths of who we are. It was a very calm yet powerful session. His homework last week was to create an original song. As I listened to it, I felt a tingly vibration in my throat. It was very healing. His homework is to do the meditation coupled with the grounding process again and write what happens. I also gave him a list of songs to listen to throughout the week.
Week 1 with The Wiz
Usually I like to write these reports right after the session, but I needed to sleep on it. My last session of the week was with a fellow that I will call "The Wiz". As with everyone in this study, The Wiz seems very familiar to me. The challenge for me was figuring out why he felt that way and why I needed to sleep on it. He is a Army Veteran and has had the diagnoses of anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder, and ADHD. Unlike the other participants, when I asked him of his current state he responded by telling me he was in a pretty good state. Although anxiety is a part of his life, he has it managed pretty well and he is currently not taking any medications. When he did take them 5 years ago, it was only for a 2 month span of time.
At a few points in our session, I wondered why he wanted to participate. He seemed like he pretty much had everything he needed to live a pretty good life. Sure he had a few challenges, but don't we all. The fear that causes breakdowns didn't seem present either, but there was something. There was something that made me look deeper. I found that through most of my session I was telling my personal stories. I even used the analysis of a dream I had the night before. I was using my life to relate to him. I use this technique when I am helping someone open up. I give a little story to open up some doors, windows, and closets within them. In most cases I will tell one story or two, but with him I was a Reader's digest.
Prior to his session, which I messed up the time for again, I felt a tightness in his stomach. I saw a deep red color narrowing into a reddish brown. I felt it had a lot to do with courage and I got the message that for him his stomach is like his heart. He really resonated with that message. He told me a great story about his childhood. We talked about him pursuing his passions, planning for the future, and possibly working for himself. His homework was to create a original composition. We also talked about facing fears to witness miracles. I felt like we covered so much territory. We were totally vibing and feeling good about ourselves. He even taught me about more about astrology after his session. High vibes, high fives, and unstoppable strides, we were doing it up. But still, in the background there was something that was nagging me. He wasn't trying to, but The Wiz was pulling the wool over my eyes.
I went to sleep and visited OZ. It was the kind of sleep when I wake up every few hours from an intense dream followed by a deep thought. On any other day I care little for astrology, but since it is important in his world, I understand it is real for him and since I am working with him, it is real for me. The second time I woke up last night, I started to remember all of the Aquarius men I have met. They all had stomach issues, buried their emotions, and had a very pronounced sense of spirituality. Their spiritual understandings were very important to them, but I found it did little to actually help them heal. This is because they have a way of floating around delightfully in the varied concepts. Because of this they are very pleasant to be around and for someone like me, it gives a false sense of security, meaning I think they are grounded in spirituality when it is actually quite the opposite. You see the issues, or past pains get pushed into an compartment and they float in the world of beautiful concepts that they have constructed for themselves. The Wiz floated with me last night and it was fun. Moving forward, I am realize I am going to have to get in his belly. Next week I am wearing red shoes...because I should at least look good while doing it!
It was amazing day of breakthroughs, storytelling, and high vibes. I have a feeling that with each week that passes by my level of amazement will skyrocket. In one of my sessions, I was asked if I had ever attended a NA or an AA meeting. I hadn't. She went on to say that when you sit in just to listen to everyone's stories, you can find that the pain that so many experience isn't really unique. Everyone has a story. In my sessions, I am working to show the other side of pains and fears that seem inescapable.
1st session with Raccoon
I went on the wild side with Raccoon today. It was our first session and like the previous sessions with other clients we had our times all mixed up. The session went on as planned...on my end. The whole thing has made me a very trusting in Divine timing. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen.
I read her energy before the session and felt she was curious, open-minded, and ready. As we started talking I quickly found out she was a shaman and level II Reiki practitioner. Whoohoo! How exciting! She has been diagnosed as having bipolar depressive disorder and PTSD. Currently she is taking meds and I wonder what that will mean for our work together. She describes her mental health as unpredictable. She became interested in Shamanism after her first breakdown. The first thing I noticed was that although she was a shaman and walked in both worlds, she had a hard time with death and transition. Sometimes we get into spirituality to have a greater understanding of death but we forget to honor the transition. In releasing and accepting the change we open ourselves up to greater possibilities...and I am pretty sure I conveyed that message to her in some way.
As I scanned her energy I was attracted to what felt like her descending colon. Once again I received another message that she needed to release. This time in a blatantly obvious way. I saw a cool green surround that area and I let the energy flow. The words, hope and cope, came up on our session and my heart said "nope". I don't feel like hoping or coping fit in the life of someone who is living in their fullest authentic expression.
After our session, well like right now, I am realizing that I want to see people at their fullest expression while knowing they are loved and appreciated. I really want to see people be in their greatness. My feeling is if we can pull of all of the layers of what we think we are supposed to be and just be, amazing things will happen. No hoping or coping, just being. We talked a bit about my Ancient Hawaiian connection and I have a feeling that our work together will explore it even more. Raccoon is bringing out some deeper aspects of me and I like it.
Her homework was to conduct a few funerals of her own. I am sure the eulogies will be amazing.
1st session with Ginger
Prior to session I felt that her body felt very dense and that she doesn't spend a lot of time in her body. As we talked she confirmed my reading and I spent the whole session working to clear it. As she released I felt her energy field become more and more clear. Ginger has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, severe anxiety, PTSD, and agoraphobia and is currently on meds. When she descibed her condition she said that everyday was a major battle and it is like "a monster waiting for you when you wake up." This has been her life for at least 7 years since her diagnosis and breakdown. The words she used to decribe her current feelings were depressed, scared, and hopeless. We talked about hope. I told her that i would rather she knew than hoped and then she in formed me that someone once told her that hope can be an addiction as well. I couldn't have agreed with her more.
Ginger also had a drug history, but today I talked with someone who has been sober for 29 years. To speak to her and hear her stories of her abusive childhood and diffucult life, I was honored to be able to hear a intelligent, compassionate, and creative woman present and resilient with me. We talked about how inportant it was to be creative and express our talents. We talked about how misunderstood creative people can be and because of it get titles like "insane", "bipolar" or "mentally ill". She is a writer, a saxophonist, an aromatherapist, and more. I was surprised to hear a woman of some many talents feel like there was nothing left to give. But depression is like that, it fogs your view to your own greatness. As she talked I saw myself as a clarifier and deep sea diver working to bring up her gifts to the surface so that she couldn't deny them. By the end of our time, I think it worked.
Since she was diagnosed she has been experiencing flashbacks and recovered memories. She aptly said that her breakdown was a breakthrough. The only issue is that it can be frightening to relive events that were pushed deep into the subconscious. But I feel if they are coming up, it means you are ready to release it. Because of this, I gave her instructions for a meditation that would enable her to be a time-traveler of sorts.
At the end of the session, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. We had interesting commonalities and I think that she helped me just as much I may have helped her. In addition to her meditation homework, I also asked her to use her writing skills to be creative. Express, express, express!! I'm looking forward to hearing what she came up with.
2nd session with Pearl
Wow! Wow Wow! My time with Pearl was amazing today. I realize for her it is all about slowly peeling away her old coat of fear. I realized that I have had a great luxury to experience my spiritual nature without feeling like I would be persecuted. In her past she was persecuted and it shook her confidence in herself. I feel today I helped to stabilize it a bit...but we will keep going until it is solid.
Her homework last week was to find who her spirit guide was and to get a plant. She ended up getting a lovely lucky bamboo plant with a woven design. After enjoying her plant, she started to tell me the happenings of the week in her search for her spirit guide. I didn't tell her how to contact her spirit guide because I wanted her to find her own way of doing it. She went online, asked around, and got to searching. She started noticing crows around her and a solitary chipmunk. At one point a crow came flying in front of her window making a big fuss three times. She later had a vision of a man, whom by her description, sounded like he looked like a crow. She described a buzzing feeling in her body and seeing images pass. I listened very carefully because I knew that we had a guided meditation scheduled. As she described her vision, I started to develop an itinerary and list of supplies for our scheduled trip.
The meditation we did is one that I just started using with my clients. I use it for myself often. The goal is find a home within yourself. So far I am shocked and surprised at the consistency for everyone who has done it. They see similar things, and have similar experiences. In this instance, Pearl was met by the Crow man from her previous vision. He laid out a map for her and told her to go to a green colored part. He said she would find what she lost. Prior to her trip I asked her to wear the necklace that was put on her in one of her visions and to carry the key that was given to her. In her description of the stone in the necklace it sounded like it was moonstone. As she sat in front of her guide, the crow man, he continued to urge her to go to the location on the map. I then suggested that she ask him how to get there. He gets up an opens a door and tells her to jump. She was afraid. She stood there for a bit looking at clouds. All she could see was clouds and sky. When she looked down she saw a dragon. The dragon smiled at her. She was surprised, I wasn't. At that point I was crying tears of joy for her because I knew she was going to have a breakthrough. I then encouraged her to jump. She could see that if she did the dragon would catch her. She jumped. He caught her. She landed clumsily on the ground and noted that even in visions she was a clutz. We laughed. She saw a cottage she had seen before and she went to it. With her skeleton key in hand she opened the door to see her Grandmother. She lost her Grandmother in her early teens and it was very hard for her. At that point she joined me in the crying fest. She apologized for her emotion, but I told her she was late to the game. She kept on saying how much she felt loved. There was only love. She was safe. She was okay. I encourage her to ask her grandmother for any messages. She got a few and after awhile she found herself rising above the cottage. I told her to ask her dragon to bring her back. He told her to rest and took her to a hammock.. I felt like I was in the technicolor world with her...always standing at a respectful distance and nudging her along. Finally she came back. I knew we had to ground so together we went through a grounding exercise. She felt her feet get hot as we did it.
Afterwards I told her how she could use these tools in different ways. I was so proud of her and in awe of her bravery. Working with Pearl is interesting for me because of how the energy flows so strongly for me and then it will stop as I move on to the next part. I find myself moving and speaking with the energy in a way that is precise and exact. Her homework for next week is to do the meditation again.
And so it begins....
I just had my first session with an amazing participant in the project who I will call Pearl* and I am riding high. It felt like a usual distant session but with more excitement because I know that we have several more meetings. I am excited to see what we will uncover and what we can dispell.
The sessions always begins prior to the call. I like to get a feel for their energy so that I know how to approach them. For Pearl I could sense a lot of anxiety but there was also a sense of calm and safety. I thought that was an interesting combination. She later confirmed that anxiety is almost like a default state for her. In communicating with her I did feel a sense of calm with her even though I could feel a sense of racing below the surface. Her mind, her heart both on overdrive but she is used to it.
Pearl has previously been diagnosed as being Bi-polar. She experienced 2 psychotic breaks during high stress period times of her life. At one point she was on 8 different meds. She is currently off her meds and feels pretty stable. During these psychotic breaks she had visions of dragons and at a different time heard voices telling her to do "horrible" things. I was excited to hear about the dragons and took a mental note to further explore the voices she heard at a different time.
As I read her energy I felt directed to what could be called her root chakra. I first saw the color pink and then a deep indigo as I let the energy flow from my hands. I saw lots of swirling and I could feel that I wasn't alone. We talked about financial security at first, but then as I noticed I was giving her my plant prescription I realized there were also mother issues happening. She confirmed that she hasn't had communication with her mother for sometime. I often notice that the relationship one has with their mother can closely be tied to their financial security.
I allowed the session to bounce all over the place in efforts to dampen the terrain and lay a foundation. It was like weaving a blanket large enough to create a strong sense of security for what may happen in the following sessions. I wanted her to know intuitively that we are on the brink of something amazing. I kept the energy high as I worked to dismantle limiting beliefs that she might of held. We both had two worlds going at once; her mind going, my words flowing, her calm showing, and my energy grounding.
*all names have been changed to respect the privacy of the participants.
I've been in an abusive relationship before. It never became physical but the mental, emotional, and even spiritual warfare was real. The miscellaneous, unexplained bruises on my body left in the wake of the relationship were real. I remember that in one the last conversations I had with him I could feel a piercing pain in my throat. That pain was real. Sickness came over me just like it did when we first met. I remember in our final meeting after I cried in my house for hours determined to only cry once over the situation how I sat across from him. I think I put a curse on him in that moment. I had no words; I just rocked back and forth staring at him. In my head I said, "You are going to get it." I came home after it was all over, moving states, a shell of young woman.
All of that over a relationship that lasted no more than six months. I met him when I was lonely and had something to prove to myself. I wanted to have a successful relationship and I didn't want to go about that time in my life alone. Most of my peers had partners and from the outside looking in, it looked great, desirable. Then he showed up. There were warning signs from the beginning. He had a dark, gloomy energy despite his seemingly positive, helpful demeanor. His car was full of bags which meant he didn't really have a home and had too much baggage (emotional, mental, and physical). There were other signs that only I would get, my personal intuitive clues, like his writing style, his name, and his appearance amongst others. The biggest sign for me was that during my month and half long sickness, he cared little about my comfort or wellness. The same person who professed his love for me within three weeks of knowing me.
Of course, he had to have redeemable qualities. Why would I have been with him? He was helpful with technology...even though you can't convince me that he didn't break my external drive that had all of my artwork on it. He was a great dancer...even though he only seemed to dance with himself (awkward). He knew how to apologize...except not to me, but to men he was afraid of, I have never heard more beautiful apologies. He was affectionate...mostly in public. He was nice to me, in public. He was health conscious, obsessively so (annoyingly so). He was witty. He was creative. He had awesome friends. He took out the trash. He cleaned my house without my asking. He was incredibly helpful...but it didn't come without a price.
I feel I attracted him into my life because of the larger questions I was asking rooted in my limited understanding of relationships and the desire I had to be in a relationship. I wanted to understand my parents failed relationship. I wanted to understand a lot of the relationships I saw my close friends experiencing. Even though I knew they weren't great relationships, I didn't know the reasons exactly. This guy served as an amazing teacher. He helped me see the things I needed to heal. When he inadvertently helped to recreate an unpleasant scene of my parent's past (that I only knew in story form) I knew I had issues to work out. He showed me that difference between unconditional love and whatever he thought he was offering. My great desire not to fail in a relationship showed me some of the greatest ways they do fail: Lack of honest communication, running away from childhood issues, not healing from past traumas, lack of self-love, lack of self-awareness, inability to forgive, lack of integrity, ignoring your intuition, and lack of self-control to name several.
I felt so much shame when it was all over. I was ashamed that I chose someone who would call me names and disrespect me in private and public. I was ashamed that I even spent a day with him. I was ashamed I shared myself with him at all. I was ashamed I didn't beat him up. I was ashamed that I was afraid to end the relationship. I was ashamed that I didn't listen to my intuition. I was ashamed that the relationship proved my imperfection. I was ashamed that I was sad that the relationship ended. I was ashamed that in ways he pulled away from me before I did from him. I was ashamed that I would have this story to tell.
When I came home, my mother and an unlikely friend nursed me back to health. I was supposed to be celebrating a great accomplishment I made in my life, but I instead found myself weak, underweight, distraught, and dramatically laying on my mother's bed in a state of shock. They loved me and gave me room to forgive myself. I wrote angry unsent letters (no one would let me send them). If communication with him wasn't necessary, I didn't do it. After awhile and a few self-help books, I was able to see that in ways we were both hurt children. The big difference was that I was actively addressing my issues. It was my budding awareness of myself that created an exit for me. My ego and inner child took a beating, but my heart didn't, it was just starting to reveal itself to me. Following that relationship I made healing, forgiveness, self-awareness, and self-love my priority. I love the woman I have become. I'm thankful for that relationship. I can now identify those kinds of relationships with very little effort and even though no one likes to hear it, I'm accurate.
And for those of you who are wondering, he did "get it"...but when someone lives in that much pain, there isn't much that truly hurts them. Pain is their modus operandi. They feel lost without it as much as they claim to dislike it. So my little "Celie, Color Purple" moment was reflecting who he was and did very little to change his circumstance. It also did nothing for me. I didn't get up and leave empowered...and in the years that followed I felt no satisfaction. What if I, in that moment, decided to beam him love of the unconditional variety? No more words, wanting nothing in return, looking into his eyes, calling on the purest of love to flow through me, and beaming it straight at him. Release. Hmmm...
Someone told me recently that I need to share my gift and be more in service to others. They were pretty accurate because it's true that I get the most of this healing energy that I am equipped with. Of course the very nature of being a holistic energy practitioner is to be in service to others but my shyness sometimes prevents me from sharing it with others. I am not very aggressive when it comes to this work. I don't doubt my abilities but I do wonder if I can handle the social aspect of it. Her words have been rolling within me and the only thing that comes up is this vision of me beckoning a lover.
I find it odd for me to be thinking about putting strength and courage into a lovers body, mind and spirit so that they may come knocking at my door instead of creating a newsletter for my business. I feel like I am on the verge of writing a romance novel. Right now, as I am typing, I have this vision of me typing a salacious novel instead of writing a very sensible business promoting post. Am I love deprived? Maybe.
Earlier I felt a rush of energy flow within me. My hands got hot and at first I went to put my hands on myself, but then I heard that voice. I decided that whatever I was intending for myself, I would intend for those around me, old friends, and even people I don't particularly care for as well. With my hot palms facing the atmosphere around me, I projected sweetness, the good kind of stickiness, intimacy, soft caresses, lingering smiles, long satisfying sighs, and silent twilight conversations into the worlds of those who are open to it. I called out names and saw visions of sweet souls who were my intended recipients. The energy flowed stronger and my hands started sweating. I did good. Dear reader this includes you. Open up and take it all in. There is more than enough to go around.
I have never pursued a lover quite like this. I love myself in all kinds of ways but this act of summoning a lover feels quite different. I have no clue what the end result will be, but this feeling is powerful. What am I bringing to myself? What page am I turning? This hot honey drenched love is a ride that is both thrilling and serene, slippery and gentle, dirty and healing, satisfying and everlasting. This is delicious and moan inducing and I am forgetting all about business. Maybe that's the point.
Blame this post on Richard Sherman, Old school full beard James Earl Jones, Erzulie Freda, and friends new and old.
It's a full moon tonight and Erzulie Freda has been calling me. I have hesitated to respond. She is loving and compassionate but a little shaky all the same. It's like she knows I have my eye on her. It's like she knows I don't believe all that they say about her. She continues to call and I am starting to trust her call. She is calm. She isn't pushy. She knows I have my reservations. The ball is in my court. It is all up to me. She shows me her story and she knows I will be appalled from the first sentence. She knows exactly how I will react. She knows that stories of wealth, love, and beauty would never be enough to sway me so she shows me the way she has been shaped and formed. The light-skinned twin sent off to Europe to become a prostitute. The woman who fell in love with her sister's betrothed. Her heart pierced. The woman whose beauty open doors but locked her down as well. She is telling me that they will take from her but they don't want her to rise. She will give them wealth, love, and joy and they give her sweets, flowers, and perfume. I don't care for those things enough to go along with that system. I want to know her heart. I must know her story. She knew this from the beginning and that is why she called. She saw a wild child who wouldn't care about silly human things. She saw a wild child who would help her rise. She saw a wild child who would tell her story.
You know, I never thought I would be writing about this...
Recently it came to my attention that at least 2 boys (now adults) I was raised with as close family friends are now incarcerated for long periods of time. It is hard for me to believe because I knew them in such a different way. When we were young they were nice, talented, sweet, and I wanted them to be my real brothers. Really, I would fantasize about our parents switching out my brother for one of them. One was an awesome pianist and the other taught me how to drive when my mother proved to be too nerve-wracking for the job. They weren't perfect though. Both were a little sneaky and had experiences at a young age that a lot of children don't have. One was sexually active by 11 years old. When I was younger, I thought little of it, but as I got older I realized it was bonkers. The other was stealing and into all kinds of covert craziness when everyone else was spending their time at the basketball courts and telling jokes. Once again, I didn't see the signs of a child in danger, they were just being themselves. As both of them got older, they seemed to get into more trouble, but it seems like their parents never picked up on what was really happening. Like, did they know their preteen son was sexually active? Did they know that their son was drinking their liquor? It is hard to understand how they missed this stuff unless they were preoccupied with similar things or too busy.
The interesting part is that both of these guys came from Upper middle class homes. They lived in big houses, had gigantic rooms, and had the latest of the latest(well at least their parents did). Their parents always seemed to be more concerned with their wealth than their own children. Even though I was never impressed with their parents, I never expected that they would end up where they have. Eventually one boy got hooked on crack cocaine and had a stint as a pimp. I know this because he told me that he really didn't like being a pimp because he didn't like having to slap the girls. I was disturbed and speechless. The other battled with alcoholism starting in high school. I know this because I would watch him drink. I'll never forget how easy it was for him to pour himself a drink in the same room as his parents. Later he shared with me that he was intoxicated when he was teaching me how to drive. Gee thanks!
I am divided in the blame game when it comes to these guys. Is it their parents fault for not paying attention to them? Is it societies way of not caring about their young lives? Is it an embedded coding or behavioral trait in their DNA? Is it their fault for making horrible decisions? They didn't go to jail until they were declared adults so it is easy to say it is their fault. I have seen a lot of my peers make horrible decisions though, not just them. They all can't seem to help themselves. I mean everyone knows crack is a devastating drug. How does anyone become a crackhead in this day and age? Really...crack? And if you saw all of your friends get DUI's, wouldn't you find a different way to be an alcoholic or just not drink? It seems like they are all committing lazy suicide.
What does all of this have to do with Reiki, spirituality, energy work, or my practice? Well for me, working with someone who knows all about this stuff is easy. I have never been interested in catering to or pursuing what I call a sympathetic audience/clientele (people who are very informed about your craft). If I wanted to, I could market myself and my services to wealthy middle aged white people (here in AZ) who are very "spiritual", "open-minded" and "need healing". They would be happy to pay $100 for a session and be repeat clients. For some reason, I can't bring myself to do this...and I have tried to wrap my mind around the notion. I rather get a nice email from someone thanking me for what I give freely, than to make fairly easy money from my gifts and talents. I don't close the door to it, but in no way is it my priority. Unfortunately, the guys that I mentioned earlier and their families would probably be the last people to come to me for assistance and it kind of pisses me off. What's the point of having this knowledge or this gift when the people who could benefit are the last ones who would read this blog, see my video, or make an appointment? Its frustrating to feel that I can't help the people I care about. This has long been my battle...wanting to help and connect with people who are ignorant to what I do, the people who think I do hocus pocus and boogie woogie, or the people so caught up in the system that they can't see another solution.
I think about their stories and I find myself wondering what happened. What kind of disastrous concoction of life is responsible for these kinds of results? Are they even receptive to help? My instinct is to evaluate, analyze and come up with a solution for these young men to be the greatest they can be. I think, "If I could break that code, if I could find the solution, I could help so many people. So much suffering would end." Some people call this a "hero complex". "Do you and keep it moving" is something they might say. I guess I could do that, sometimes I want to do that, if only to shield myself from disappointment. I do want to know that their battle isn't my battle. For this reason, I promise myself I will only work with those who ask for my assistance and who are willing to work hard for themselves. Then I remember how many times I received help from those I never asked. When you see greatness in someone that doesn't see it in themselves, it is hard to keep that knowledge to yourself. It is hard to deny them your help.
When I was in grad school, during graduate seminar, I remember one of my professors asking me, "Who is your audience?" I thought it was a ridiculous question. In my mind, my work was for everyone. I remember my peers looking like my answer was confusing. Everyone wanted me to define my audience and I wanted to see everyone come together through my work. I can see now that desire within me hasn't changed. I want to see the wealthy lady, the neglected teenager, the person convinced that I am a witch, and the crack addict healing, transforming, and growing next to each other. Maybe that sounds too idealistic to some, but to me it makes perfect sense.
One rule in magick is to have no attachment to the outcome. The magickian does the work and releases it in full trust that their intention will manifest. Call me a magickian in training because I have to crack this code.
There are so many things that aren't real for us. I took a road trip with my mom to Las Vegas from Phoenix last week and I couldn't help but realize how much we take for granted. I thought about the people who spent countless hours making the roads that we were driving on in the middle of the seemingly barren desert. I looked at the electrical lines that spanned for miles and miles and thought about the people who installed them and the people who constructed them. I thought about the people who are responsible for getting the material to make these modern conveniences. Who gets the metal, rubber, tar, and raw materials from the earth? What kinds of animals were they confronted with? What dangers were faced? How were they handled? We take a lot for granted. We rarely know how things actually get done. We barely know how our own body functions.
I was in meditation AKA Kiki Lala Land today and I started thinking about how people are reacting to the Government shutdown. I don't watch TV so I am missing most of the drama, but I do have a facebook account and friends that like to share articles, videos, and memes to help fill in the blanks. When you are "friends" with lots of "spiritual" and "conscious" people on facebook, the perspective becomes really...full. I also use my intuition so I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the whole thing...to my satisfaction. Some people are really feeling it in their personal lives, some people are empathizing based of the media they are consuming, and some will tell you it isn't real. I am more of an observer in the whole thing. I see all sides, even with the people who believe it isn't real...because it isn't real for them. I get that. They represent the truth of the culture most accurately if you ask me.
We depend on our government, but on most days we don't think we do. For this reason I think the shutdown is great. It helps shed light on the truth of where we are at as a species. As a species we are lazy, lack social skills, and are apathetic. The truth is that if most people were not taxed, they would never help to feed, clothe, and shelter a neighbor in need. How many people who live in heavily populated areas even know their neighbors? Government has been a scapegoat for most of our population to avoid actually being involved in the progression of our species. I am not upset that political games are being played. They can do whatever they want. We have willingly given them that power over and over again. It has resulted in a population that is majorly dysfunctional and mentally imbalanced. It is insane to think that such a small percentage of people can effectively make decisions for the whole. The real fear about the shutdown is that if it were to continue indefinitely, the people of this land would actually have to figure out how to take care of each other and relate to the world beyond...all at the same time. That is really hard when your understanding of each other comes largely from very controlled media outlets, racism, sexism, classism, lack of exposure, and pure ignorance. We have become so distant from each other that the idea of learning to care for each other is terrifying. We have pushed our responsibilities off to a government that has decided to take a nap.
What if people actually talked to each other to find out what each other needs? What if we actually got to know our neighbors so that we could build strong communities? What if everyone knew their neighbors? What if we worked together and shared(and rotated) the responsibilities to make things work efficiently in our environments? What if we took responsibilities for ourselves and shared our knowledge from that process so that others could do the same? What if we actually learned teamwork instead of competition? What if we learned integrity and trust? What if we became sovereign beings who worked together for the betterment of the whole? Don't mind me, I'm just daydreaming over here in Kiki Lala Land...but what if?
A lot of where this comes from is the fact that I have been in great appreciation of my body lately and all that it does for me, automatically. It is our greatest gift! YOUR body is a harmonious, intelligent entity that battles to stay that way at every moment and you are the one who decides how hard that battle will be by your interaction with it. People often say that United States of America is a Corporation, a body. That is interesting. As a body, we don't seem to be too intelligent or harmonious and the spirit(government) that this body holds took a nap. Sounds like horrible communication and quite a sickly body to me. What's even more insane is that this spirit decides how your energy(money) is going to be spent and you are upset that it stopped spending it. It seems like this is a great opportunity to figure out this so called body and how it best can work. After all, your body does its best healing when you are relaxed or asleep. If we are individual cells in a larger body, shouldn't we be working together, taking care of each other? Something isn't adding up. Why have we forfeited our ability to take care of ourselves and our neighbors? Maybe the United States isn't a corporation. Maybe people don't depend on a government to function. Maybe people need to learn to govern themselves. Maybe none of this is real.
Anywho, back to Kiki Lala land, I go. At least here, I know my body is a gift to be honored and appreciated. Whether I pay attention to it or not, it keeps striving to work beautifully for me. I love that in my appreciation of my body I am increasingly aware of how I should use my energy for optimal living. I love that I know that I couldn't have this physical experience without my body. Oh! Did I tell you I live on Sovereign road? I love this place and I can't wait to have awesome neighbors. It just makes sense here.